Was Lost but now I'm Found
by SNAddict
Summary: This is an AU ending to the S3 Finale. Instead of running at the end of S3 Neal was kidnapped and psychologically tortured by a madman. How will Neal survive and will he be the same man that he was before this whole ordeal began? This story is complete and I will try to post one chapter a week.
1. Chapter 1

This is an AU ending to the S3 Finale. Instead of running at the end of S3 Neal was kidnapped and psychologically tortured by a madman. How will Neal survive and will he be the same man that he was before this whole ordeal began? This story is complete and I will try to post one chapter a week.

Peter had given him the signal to run. Neal's heart pounded in his chest. He finally thought he could stop running. He liked the life he had built in New York and he wasn't ready to let it go just yet. But he didn't have a choice. If he didn't run Kramer would find something to hold over his head and force him to work in DC. Either way his life in New York was over. Neal did what he did best and disappeared into the crowd.

Back at the loft, he grabbed his "Go Bag" while his thoughts churned in his head. He didn't have the luxury to dwell on the "what-ifs" and the "could have beens." He cut his anklet and left his credentials on the table. Without a backwards glance, he left his home and closed the door softly behind him.

He hailed a cab and got in, his thoughts still a jumble in his head. He told the cabbie "JFK Airport."

Neal leaned back in his seat and let out a deep breath. It was stupid of him to think that it would all work out and that he would be walking onto the 21st floor of the White Collar division on Monday morning. Happy endings didn't happen to guys like him and the sooner he realized that the better off he would be.

While deep in thought Neal didn't notice where the cab was taking him. When he finally did look up Neal was surprised to see that he was nowhere near the airport. In fact, he didn't know where he was. He knocked on the partition.

"Hey man, I don't think this is the way to JFK."

The cabbie ignored him and kept driving. Neal knocked again. "What's going on? Can you hear me? Where are we going?" Neal tried his door, only to find that it was locked. Panic was beginning to creep in.

"What the hell are you doing? Let me out!" Neal shouted as he struggled with the door.

The cabbie continued to stay silent and drove on. Neal started pounding on his window hoping to get the attention of a passing car. Suddenly, Neal heard a hissing sound and gas started filling the interior of the cab.

Neal tried to hold his breath and used his pocket square to cover his nose and mouth but it was nearly impossible to hold his breath for so long. He was getting light headed and the gas made black spots dance in front of his eyes. Neal knew he was going to lose consciousness soon. With a final surge of adrenaline he pounded on the partition again but to no avail. The glass wouldn't budge and the cabbie continued to ignore him.

Neal's last thought before losing consciousness was "Peter, please find me." The gas finally overpowered Neal and he slumped sideways onto the seat, unconscious.

The cabbie finally glanced back towards Neal, a satisfied smirk on his face.

"Wakey, wakey Neal." Bright fluorescent lights blinded Neal followed by a flood of cold water hitting him squarely in the chest. Neal gasped for breath and tried to wipe the water from his eyes only to find that his hands and feet were zip tied to a chair bolted to the floor. He coughed harshly and started shivering. Another blast of freezing water hit him again.

"Who the hell are you? What do you want from me?" Neal shouted.

His captor stayed silent and paced back and forth in front of Neal.

"Cat got your tongue?" Neal grounded out snarkily.

That smart ass comment got Neal a punch to the face. Neal's head flew back and he could taste the blood from his now split lip.

"You can call me Sir. And what do I want from your Mr. Caffrey? All in due time. We have all the time in the world to get " _acquainted._ "

Neal shivered and it wasn't just from the cold. "You seem to know me but I know nothing about you. That hardly seems fair does it?" Neal tried to get his captor to talk. He was completely in the dark as to who this man was. He didn't recognize his face and wracked his brain trying to come up with a connection.

"All in good time Caffrey. All in good time. I want to have a little fun with you first. And then all will be revealed."

Neal held back a shudder. He didn't think his definition of fun and this maniac's definition of fun were the same.

"Why are you doing this to me? What do you want from me?" Neal asked again.

"I want to break you", Sir replied ominously.

"Break me? What are you gonna do, beat me?" Neal tried to keep the tremor out of his voice. He was putting up a brave front but he was shaking inside.

"Oh no I abhor physical violence. Anybody can physically break someone, inflicting physical pain is common, there's no art, no panache in it. Breaking you mentally will be much more satisfying." Sir's eyes gleamed with evil.

Sir continued to ramble on. "At the end of this, I will break you. You'll be begging to die. But don't worry, I won't be the one to kill you. You're going to kill yourself."

This guy is certifiable thought Neal. Neal had to find a way out. He was resourceful, he wouldn't give up and killing himself would never be an option.

"You're crazy!" Neal shouted. "You won't ever break me. Peter will find me and you're going away for a long time."

"Is that a challenge?" Sir leaned in close to Neal and whispered in his ear. "Cause I love a challenge!"

With those chilling words, Sir walked out of the room and left Neal sitting alone.


	2. Chapter 2

After Sir left the room, Neal began to struggle with his zip ties. He didn't have much luck with them as they were cinched so tightly he was beginning to lose feeling in his hands. He took a deep breath to try to calm himself.

" _Okay Neal, you've been in worse situations before,"_ he thought to himself. Oh boy who was he kidding, he had never been in a situation like this before! The first step was to figure out who he was dealing with. Second, he would need to find a weakness to exploit. Neal could talk his way out of almost anything and he was hoping this time was no different. His life literally depended on it!

Satisfied at least for now that he had some sort of action plan, Neal felt himself calm down a little. There was nothing he could do at this moment so he let his thoughts drift.

Who would have thought that when he woke up this morning things would turn out so completely messed up! Neal didn't want to admit it to himself but he actually felt hopeful that he would get his anklet off. He had a knack for solving difficult cases and he got a great sense of satisfaction out of helping people.

Like it or not, working with Peter had changed him. It felt good when Peter would look at him with pride in his eyes. Deep down he wanted to be a good man, to be more than a con. Peter saw that in him and always encouraged him to become that person. Peter's opinion mattered to Neal a great deal more than he would care to admit.

Now that Neal's adrenaline had worn off, he felt exhaustion slowly creep in. He was also really hungry. He hadn't eaten anything except for toast and coffee since this morning as he had been too nervous for the hearing.

He tried to wiggle his hands again but the zip ties wouldn't budge. He was so tired. _"I'm just gonna rest my eyes a bit,"_ Neal thought to himself. Before long Neal had slumped forward and fell into a restless sleep.

Neal awoke with a start. It took a minute to get his bearings but all too soon reality slammed into him. He had been abducted by a madman and was now held captive God knows where. Neal knew he wasn't asleep for long because his shirt was still damp from his initial "warm welcome."

Neal heard the door unlock and pretended to be asleep. Sir came in and walked over to Neal. "I know you're awake, Caffrey. There's no use pretending." Sir yanked Neal's head back. Neal threw a hateful glare at Sir. Neal glanced down and saw the tazer Sir held in his hand.

"It's punishment time Neal. You've been a naughty boy. Time for the tank."

" _The tank?" Neal thought. "What the hell is the tank?"_

Sir began to cut the zip ties from Neal's hands. Now was his chance to escape! Sir had left the door open when he came in. He just had to make sure he could overpower Sir and then he could run.

"Don't try anything stupid Neal. You won't get very far." Sir finished cutting the zip ties on Neal's hands and feet. He backed away and said, "Get up slowly and don't be a hero."

"I'm not going anywhere with you." Neal said defiantly.

"I'm not playing games with you. Now get up and walk!"

Neal stayed put. He glared at Sir. He wasn't going to make it easy for his captor. Sir came towards Neal and punched him squarely in the face. Neal's head snapped back and he saw stars.

"What happened to 'I abhor violence'" Neal mocked.

"Don't get me wrong Mr. Caffrey. Violence is not my preferred method of…. _persuasion_ but I'm not above using it to get what I what. And believe me you don't want to test me. Now get up!"

Neal knew he was pushing it but he refused to give in. "I'm not going anywhere with you until you tell me who you are and what you want."

Sir's frustration level was growing and he came menacingly towards Neal with the tazer. "Either you come with me willingly or we can do this the hard way. It's up to you Neal." Sir turned the tazer on and electricity cackled with a sickening sound.

Neal got up slowly and started backing away but he had nowhere to go. He was in a windowless room with no means of escape except for the one door that seemed like a million miles away. "C'mon, you don't want to do this." He held his hands up in a futile attempt to protect himself. Neal knew it was now or never. He ran towards Sir with as much force as he could. At the last second he tried to swerve around him to get to the door. Neal almost made it but Sir was quick and managed to grab Neal's arm. Sir flung Neal with such force that he slammed into the wall and crumpled to the ground.

Sir stalked over to Neal and pressed the tazer against him. Electricity coursed through Neal's body and he arched off the ground in agony before finally losing consciousness. Sir looked down at Neal's prone body and pressed the tazer against him again and again, watching in fascination as Neal's body convulsed with the electric current.

Sir knelt down next to Neal and whispered into his ear. "I guess we're doing this the hard way."


	3. Chapter 3

Thank you for the comments/reviews. Now on to Chapter 3.

Neal slowly regained consciousness. His head was pounding fiercely and he could barely force his eyes to open. When he could open his eyes, his vision swam and his stomach rolled with nausea. The walls were stark white with huge flood lights hanging from the ceiling. They were so bright that Neal had to shield his eyes. The pounding in his skull was relentless and he could feel the burns on his body from the tazer.

Suddenly the door opened and Sir walked in. "Hello Caffrey. I'm sorry you had to insist that we do this the hard way."

Neal got shakily to his feet. "What the hell is this? I want some answers."

"Don't worry, you'll get answers soon. I like to call this the Tank. In here, you're going to discover your true self. It'll be a reflection of who you really are."

"Look, you seem to know who I am so you should know about my 'skill set'. Just tell me what you want and I can get it for you." Neal knew that bargaining with a psycho wasn't ideal but he was at a loss of what to do.

Sir started to laugh. "I don't want anything from you Caffrey….I want _everything_ from you."

Sir walked away and the door shut with a loud clang. Neal knew it was futile but he ran to the door anyway and tried to get it open. He pounded on the door and yelled for help. He yelled until his voice became hoarse and his energy was spent. It wouldn't do any good. No one knew where he was. Neal was going to have to get himself out of this one. He slumped to the floor and closed his eyes. Suddenly a hissing sound started. He recognized it from the cab. He was being gassed!

Neal jumped up and started pounding on the door again. "Let me out. What do you want from me?" The gas was being pumped into the room from vents that were too high for Neal to reach. More and more gas starting rolling into the room. Neal started to cough and his eyes were watering. He tried to cover his nose and mouth with the hem of his shirt but that offered no protection.

"Please don't do this! I don't know who you are…why are you doing this to me?" The gas was overpowering and Neal knew he was going to lose consciousness. He tried to fight it but it was no use. Neal fell onto his knees, still fighting the darkness, but it was a losing battle. The gas overwhelmed him and Neal collapsed onto the floor.

WCWCWC

" _Neal, wake up."_

 _Neal moaned. He didn't want to wake up. Suddenly, he felt soft hands caressing his face and hair. He opened his eyes and could make out a blurry figure leaning over him. He blinked a couple of times and his vision cleared enough that he gasped in surprise when he saw who it was._

" _Kate?" he said in disbelief. This can't be real he thought to himself. Kate was gone and she was never coming back._

" _Yes, Neal it's me." She replied softy._

" _I miss you so much. I'm so sorry for everything."_

 _Suddenly Kate stood up and looked down at Neal with cold eyes. "You should be sorry. You're the reason why I'm dead!"_

" _Do you know what it feels like to be burned alive, Neal? The pain is excruciating. You can smell your own flesh burning." Kate is ranting at this point and Neal could only stare at her with horrified eyes._

" _Kate, I'm sorry. I don't know what else to say. It's all my fault." He starts sobbing._

" _Damn right it's your fault, my life was over the moment I met you. You should have been the one to burn in that plane….not me!"_

" _If I could trade places with you, I would. Kate, I'm so so sorry. I love you so much!"_

 _Kate continued to look at Neal with hatred in her eyes. "You ruined my life. I could have been happy in Chicago. Did you know that I wanted kids?"_

 _Neal shook his head. He couldn't believe that Kate was here with him. He didn't know how many times he had wished he could see her one last time….but not like this. He understood that she would be angry but he didn't think that her hatred for him would be so strong._

" _Because of you Neal, I will never know what it's like to be a mother, to hold my baby in my arms. You took that away from me. You should have stopped looking for me when I left you."_

" _I couldn't do that Kate…you're the love of my life. I couldn't let you go."_

" _Well, look at where that got both of us? I'm dead and you're….well you're here."_

" _It doesn't have to be this way. You're back…we can get out of here and start over." Neal knew that what was happening didn't make sense but he didn't care. Kate was standing in front of him and all he could think about was how much he loved her and the second chance they now had._

 _Kate laughed mirthlessly. "Start over? You're more pathetic than I thought. What makes you think I want anything to do with you? You destroyed my life!" Kate continued to rant while Neal pleaded with her to stop._

" _Please stop Kate! I love you, I'm sorry!"_ Neal closed his eyes as he couldn't bear to see the look of hatred on Kate's face. All of a sudden there's silence and Neal opened his eyes only to find that Kate is gone. Neal is ashamed to admit that he feels a sense of relief that Kate is gone. He didn't think he could take any more of the venom she was spewing at him. The guilt hits him immediately and he closes his eyes once again. He falls into a restless sleep where Kate's words continue to haunt him.


	4. Chapter 4

Neal's trips to the tank were mixed with brainwashing in his "room". He's tied up and Sir has pumped him full of drugs. Sir constantly hurls insults at him until he can't bear to hear anymore.

"Don't fight it Neal. Let the drugs work. It'll be easier that way." Neal was back in his room, strapped to a chair enduring another one of Sir's sessions. His arms were pulled tight behind his back and his head hung heavy against his chest.

"Why are you doing this to me? What did I ever do to you?" Neal slurred. It was so hard to stay conscious but he was fighting the darkness with all he had.

Sir laughed coldly. "What did you do to me? It's not what you did to me, it's what you did to her!"

"Let's go over your sins shall we. You're a con, a liar, a cheat. You destroy lives. And worst of all, you're a murderer!"

" _Her? Who was Sir talking about?"_ With all the drugs in his system, Neal was struggling to follow Sir's rantings.

"Murderer? What are you talking about? I've never killed anyone in my life!"

"People in your orbit always end up hurt or worse…dead. Look at Mozzie, Elizabeth and dear, sweet Kate. My Kate was a beautiful girl, full of life, someone who loved art, was gentle and kind. After she met you, she became a criminal, scamming and running cons."

" _His Kate?"_ What the hell was this lunatic talking about, Neal thought.

"Kate and I always had a special relationship. I was her favourite uncle. Ever since she was a little girl she would love spending time with me. And then when her father died, he asked me to look after Kate. I took that job very seriously. I tried to protect her but then she started seeing you and became so secretive. She never came around anymore. You took her away from me and you killed her Caffrey!"

Neal finally understood. "I didn't kill Kate. Vincent Adler did. And what you're doing to me won't bring her back."

"Even if you didn't set the bomb off you set everything in motion. The moment she laid eyes on you, her life was over."

Neal shivered at how close Sir's words were to what Kate had said to him in the tank.

"So this is revenge?" Neal asked.

"This is so much more than revenge," Sir replied. "You changed Kate and now I'm going to change you. After I'm finished with you, you'll never be the same again."

"You won't ever break me!" Neal said with false bravado. He was a fighter and he was never going to give up. He just had to hold on until Peter found him.

"We'll just see about that," Sir said as he plunged another syringe into Neal's arm.

A burning sensation coursed through Neal's body and he couldn't hold back the scream that came out. He thought that he had literally entered into the depths of hell before the blessed darkness finally claimed him.

" _Worthless, pathetic, weak!"_ The constant barrage of insults coupled with the drugs and sessions in the tank were stripping Neal of the man that he was. He tried to hold onto that part of himself that made him who he was but it was getting more and more difficult.

He knows that everything Sir says is true. He is pathetic and weak and everybody is better off with him out of their lives. The brainwashing and hallucinations were unbearable but Neal knew that deep inside he deserved the punishment he's received. He's becoming resigned to the fact that nobody is looking for him and that he belongs here.

Sir was right….he was breaking.

WCWCWC

Neal hadn't eaten in God knows how long. He had only gotten minimal amounts of water but nothing solid for awhile. He was feeling weak and was having the shakes. The hunger pains he was experiencing were intense. It felt like his stomach was trying to eat itself.

Suddenly, Sir opened his door and came in with a tray of food. Neal could barely lift his head.

"I've decided to take pity on you. I don't want you dying on me just yet."

Sir placed the tray at the end of Neal's cot. "Now eat up before I change my mind."

Neal wanted to refuse the food just to spite his captor. But the logical side of his brain knew that he needed to eat to regain his strength. He slowly got up and waited until the room stopped spinning. Neal picked up the tray and put it on his lap. There was a bottle of water, what looked like oatmeal and some runny eggs on a plate. It wasn't the gourmet fare Neal was used to but at this point he couldn't be picky about what was served. Neal didn't think it would go over too well if he sent his "meal" back to the kitchen.

Neal looked distastefully at his food and began to eat. It was disgusting and he had to wash it down with his water but it was food and his stomach didn't feel as empty as before.

After finishing, Neal laid back down on the cot. He must have dozed off because he awoke to a horrible pain in his stomach. It felt like a knife was twisting his insides out. He cried out in pain. Neal tried to stand but collapsed onto the floor in agony.

The door opened and Sir walked in the. He looked down at Neal who was gasping in pain.

"Tsk, tsk Neal, was it something you ate?" Sir taunted cruelly.

"My compliments to the chef, you sick bastard," Neal replied sarcastically.

Sir's eyes darkened and he kicked Neal hard in the stomach. Neal cried out and curled into a fetal position.

"You better watch that smart mouth of yours." With one final kick, Sir walked out of the room leaving Neal writhing on the floor in misery.

Neal wasn't sure how long he had lain there but he mercifully passed out at some point. When he woke up again, the pain had subsided to a dull ache. He was so weak that he couldn't stand. Neal half crawled, half dragged himself to his cot. Sir's words echoed in brain. _"You're worthless Neal. You deserve this."_ He laid there, breathing harshly, tears streaming down his face.

Neal's days blended together. He couldn't tell whether it was day or night. There was no routine. Sir would randomly show up with new and sickening ways to torture Neal. Neal was past his breaking point. He had been poisoned, drugged and put through some horrific experiences but in the back of his mind there was still that miniscule spark of hope that Peter would come for him.

When it got really bad Neal would rock back and forth repeating: "Peter will come. Peter will come."

However, no matter how much he wanted it, Peter never came. The spark of hope was fading and Neal didn't know how much longer he could hold on.


	5. Chapter 5

"Hello Neal." Sir's voice sounded over the intercom.

Neal hated that voice. "C'mon time for the tank."

Neal no longer fought Sir. He got up willingly and walked to the door. The door opened and Sir leads Neal into the tank. There was no point in fighting. He sat in the middle of the floor and waited for the gas to come. Without fail, the hissing starts and gas filled the room. Neal breathed it in and was unconscious in seconds.

So many of his loved ones have "visited" Neal in the tank—Elizabeth, Kate, Mozzie, June- but the one person he wanted to see the most hadn't yet shown up.

" _Neal, can you hear me?" It always took a little time for Neal to focus when coming back from the gas. Neal groaned drowsily and opened his eyes. It was Peter!_

" _Peter?" Neal almost sobbed in relief. "I knew you would come. We gotta get out of here."_

" _We're not going anywhere Neal." Peter said._

" _What? What do you mean?" Neal asked, confusion coloring his voice._

" _You're nothing to me Neal. You've done nothing but ruin lives."_

" _Peter, no. That's not true. We're partners. Best friends. Please we gotta get out of here."_

" _You're so weak and pathetic. I don't even know why I agreed to letting you become my CI. You've caused me and my family nothing but grief. I hope you rot in here. You don't deserve to be free."_

 _Neal started sobbing. Peter's respect meant so much to him and now his venomous words cut Neal to the core. "No, Peter. Not you too. I never wanted to disappoint you. Please I can do better. Let me prove it to you." Neal was on his knees begging but he didn't care. He just needed Peter to understand…to believe him._

" _You're a lying son of a bitch. You'll never change. Goodbye Neal." Neal knew that the gas was causing him to hallucinate and that none of what he was seeing or hearing was real. However, as he spent more and more time in the tank it was harder and harder to keep that in mind._

 _Peter disappeared and silence filled the room. "Peter? Peter come back." Neal wailed. "No come back please! Don't leave me!"_

WCWCWC

"Neal, I've taken pity on you", Sir said as he walked in a circle around Neal's prone body. "Today is the day you can set yourself free. Would you like that Neal?" Neal was too weak to respond which pissed Sir off. He bent down and painfully grabbed Neal's hair, pulling him up to meet his eyes. "Ah, ah, ah, what did I teach you Neal? You make eye contact and respond when spoken to. Let's try this again. Would you like that Neal?" Neal made eye contact and mumbled "Yes sir."

"That's a good boy. I taught you well. Here's your ticket out." Sir placed a gun next to Neal. "Whenever you're ready you can set yourself free." With those chilling words he turned away and walked out.

Neal continued to lie there, not moving. "Was Sir lying?" he thought. He looked over to the gun and slowly reached out to take it in his hand. It was such a simple solution, one small movement with his finger and he would be free. Free of all the pain and guilt.

Peter wasn't coming, nobody was coming for him. There was only one way out. He cocked the gun with shaking hands and put it against his temple and pulled the trigger.

The loud click made Neal flinch. He pulled the trigger again and again.

" _Click Click Click."_ Nothing happened. The chamber was empty. There were no bullets.

"No!" Neal sobbed. "You said I would be free. I WANT TO BE FREE!"

Suddenly Sir's voice filled the room. "You'll never be free, Neal," he hissed. "You don't deserve to be free. You'll always be here, trapped with me. Don't you EVER forget that!" Sir pulled out his cell phone and dialed. "Agent Burke, I have something that belongs to you. Don't worry, I've kept him in one piece, more or less."

WCWCWCWC

Peter and his team swept through the abandoned warehouse. It was a maze of hallways with multiple rooms. Peter stopped and motioned for his team to be quiet. "Click Click Click." Peter opened the door with his gun trained and the sight that greeted him made his heart clench painfully in his chest. Neal sat in the middle of the room with his knees drawn to his chest. His right hand held a gun to his temple. Neal continuously pulled the trigger while chanting, "I want to be free, I want to be free." He didn't even notice Peter enter the room. Peter approached Neal cautiously and crouched down next to him.

"Neal, it's Peter. It's over, you're going to be okay." Neal didn't respond or acknowledge Peter's presence. He just kept pulling the trigger over and over. Peter gently took hold of Neal's hand and tried to take the gun away. Neal jerked away and scrambled back until he hit the wall. Rocking back and forth he kept saying, "NO! I want to be free." He was sobbing uncontrollably at this point and Peter was at a loss of what to do. Peter knelt down so he was in Neal's line of sight. "Please Neal, look at me." The sight of the broken young man in front of him almost shattered Peter but he took a deep breath and knew he had to reach Neal. "Neal, buddy, it's Peter. I've come to set you free." Those words seemed to snap Neal out of whatever trance he was in. He stopped pulling the trigger and looked at Peter, a spark of recognition finally reaching Neal's eyes.

"Peter? Are you real?" Neal couldn't believe it. Was this finally real? After all this time?

"I'm real Neal. I'm here to set you free." Neal practically launched himself into Peter's arms. Peter held the shaking man in his embrace.

"I've gotcha buddy. Everything's gonna be okay." Neal continued to weep openly.

"Don't ever leave me, Peter. Please don't leave me," he whispered into Peter's ear. "I promise I'll be good. I won't disappoint you. Please don't leave me."

Those words finally broke the agent and the tears he had been holding back fell freely down his face.

"I'll never leave you Neal. Never!" Peter vowed fiercely while gently rocking his friend. The rocking seemed to soothe Neal and he fell into an exhausted semi-conscious state.

"We need medics in here," Peter said to the agents hovering near the door.

Almost immediately, a couple of paramedics entered the room and got Neal ready for transport. Peter didn't want to let go of Neal but knew that the sooner the paramedics could get to work the sooner Neal would be at the hospital and get the help he so desperately needed.


	6. Chapter 6

The ride to the hospital was uneventful and Neal remained unconscious as they wheeled him into an exam room.

Everybody who loved Neal was gathered in the waiting room. The air was thick with silence as everyone dealt with the shock of what had happened.

Diana and Jones sat together, lost in their own thoughts. Regardless of their feelings of how Neal became Peter's CI, he had grown on them and they definitely thought of him as part of the team. They genuinely liked the affable conman and were worried about his well-being.

June was off in the corner, occasionally dabbing her eyes with her hankerchief. From the beginning she had a soft spot in her heart for Neal who so reminded her of her beloved Bryon. She couldn't bear the thought of the trauma Neal had gone through.

Mozzie on the other was pacing around the room nervously, eyes darting around furtively. Lord knows how much he hated hospitals but he was willing to stay for Neal. Ever since that fateful day in the park when he had laid eyes on the young con, they had become fast friends. He couldn't believe that he didn't know Neal had been taken. Mozzie genuinely thought Neal had finally grown tired of being "beholden to the man" and had put one of his escape plans in motion. That's why he wasn't worried when he hadn't heard from Neal. Mozzie knew that Neal would contact him when he felt safe and he would join his friend in his new life.

Peter was still in shock over everything that had transpired over the past few hours. He couldn't believe Neal hadn't run but was held prisoner by a madman. Peter's thoughts couldn't help but turn back to 6 weeks ago. When Diana had come into the room and declared that Neal had cut his anklet and run, Peter's emotions were mixed. On the one hand, giving him the signal to run went against everything he believed in but on the other hand he didn't want to see Neal trapped in DC with Kramer and if he was being honest with himself, he was relieved that Neal had gotten away.

All hell had broken loose and Kramer had insisted that Peter sit out the investigation. He didn't trust that Peter didn't have anything to do with Neal running suddenly. To tell the truth, Peter was relieved he was sidelined. The Marshalls took over and not surprisingly they found no trace of Neal Caffrey.

As the weeks wore on, less focus was placed on the manhunt and Peter was finally able to breathe a little easier as he unknowingly thought that Neal was finally safe.

At first, Peter thought the call was a prank but he quickly realized it was no joke. A photo of Neal was sent to his phone and it showed the young man tied to a chair, with his head hanging limply. Peter couldn't bear the thought of what Neal had gone through and he couldn't help but relive the horror of seeing Neal with a gun to his head.

Elizabeth sat by Peter's side, rubbing soothing circles on his back. She could feel the tension in her husband and knew that he felt guilty about what happened. "It's not your fault, hon." Peter sighed heavily and wished he could believe El's words.

Another hour passed before the doctor entered the waiting room. "Family of Neal Caffrey?"

Everybody jumped up, eager to hear the prognosis on Neal. The doctor looked a little surprised but regained his composure quickly.

Peter spoke first. "How's Neal doing? Is he awake?"

"I'm Dr. Watson the attending physician that looked after Mr. Caffrey when he was brought into the ER. Mr. Caffrey has a few burns to his arms and back. They look like tazer burns but they are a couple of weeks old and are healing nicely. He is also malnourished and dehydrated. We're giving him IV fluids to help with this. We are a bit concerned about his lungs. There is fluid in them and we will be monitoring him closely. We're giving him antibiotics to head off a possible case of pneumonia. Physically, Mr. Caffrey is a very lucky man. He should recover from these issues fairly quickly.

Everybody let out the collective breath they had all been holding. Relief seemed to permeate the small waiting room but that didn't last long as the doctor continued.

"However, from what I understand of Mr. Caffrey's situation, he was held captive and drugged. We ran a tox screen and found a cocktail of highly hallucinogenic drugs in his system. These drugs are normally used for brainwashing. They can cause confusion and powerful hallucinations. The tox screen shows very high amounts of these drugs in Mr. Caffrey's system. The doctor continued. "This is a highly potent psychotropic drug and prolonged exposure makes the victim highly susceptible to suggestion. Some of the side effects can include paranoia, feelings of emotional volatility and anxiety."

Elizabeth couldn't help the gasp of shock that came out. The others stood there silently not knowing how to react.

After giving the group a moment to collect themselves, Dr. Watson said, "We've flushed as much of the drugs out of his system as we can. However, I am worried about the psychological well-being of Mr. Caffrey. He was given a highly potent psychtropic drug and with prolonged exposure it makes the victim highly susceptible to suggestion. At this moment, he is resting comfortably, but I caution you that there will be repercussions to what he has been through."

Peter was the first to speak. "Tell us what we need to do to help Neal." Everyone around murmured their intention to help.

Dr. Watson could see that Mr. Caffrey had a lot of support in his corner and he knew that he would need it in the foreseeable future. "We'll monitor Mr. Caffrey closely and suggest a course of action. But right now what he needs is rest. I've given him a mild sedative so that he can sleep through the night."

"Can I see Neal?" Peter asked anxiously.

"Yes, but only one of you can go in," the doctor replied.

"Peter you go honey." Elizabeth said and the others nodded in agreement.

"I'll show you to his room, Agent Burke. And I suggest that you folks all head home for some rest. There's nothing more you can do tonight."

Peter followed Dr. Watson to Neal's room. He was relieved to hear that his physical injuries were non-life threatening. However, it was the psychological and emotional trauma that Neal had endured that would affect him the most. Peter steeled himself before going into Neal's room. He made a vow to himself that he would be there for Neal no matter what. He would do everything in his power to help his friend heal from the horrific ordeal he had gone through. Neal had a long and painful road ahead but Peter vowed he would be there every step of the way.


	7. Chapter 7

He was so cold it was painful. Neal thrashed around trying to get relief but nothing seemed to provide any escape from the cold.

Peter watched helplessly as the fever raged in Neal. The doctor warned them this might happen when Neal was brought in. Neal's "accommodations" were less than ideal. The warehouse Neal was kept in was damp and dirty. As a result, Neal was now fighting pneumonia. The first couple of days Neal mostly slept as he was kept sedated to help his body heal. However, on day three Neal spiked a fever and the doctors were trying to bring it down with antibiotics and ice packs.

Neal shivered and moaned incoherently. Suddenly his eyes opened and he stared glassily at Peter.

"Peter, help me. Please, I'm so cold", Neal pleaded.

Peter's heart broke at the desperation he heard in Neal's voice.

"Neal, it's okay. You're in the hospital. You have a fever and the doctors are trying to bring it down. The ice packs are to help you", Peter responded.

Of course Neal didn't understand a word Peter was saying. All he knew was that he was in pain and Peter wouldn't help him.

"Why are you doing this Peter? Why are you letting Sir hurt me?" Neal moaned. "Why do you hate me?"

"I don't hate you Neal", Peter said. He ran his hand through Neal's hair in an effort to calm him down.

"Just relax, everything's going to be fine. I'm here and Sir's never hurting you again", Peter vowed fiercely.

Neal slept restlessly. He would wake but would be confused about his surroundings. He didn't know where he was or what was happening. In his mind, he was still Sir's prisoner.

The nurses had brought in a reclining chair for Peter when they realized he wasn't leaving Neal's side. Peter was dozing lightly when he heard Neal stir.

Peter walked over to Neal's bedside. His face was flushed and he was breathing harshly. Neal slowly opened his eyes and blinked blearily up at Peter.

"I'm sorry", he said pleadingly.

"Why are you sorry Neal?", Peter asked in confusion.

"I'm sorry", Neal repeated. "I'm so sorry Sir. You're right. It's my fault. Everything's my fault."

"Neal, it's Peter. I'm not Sir and you have nothing to be sorry for", Peter tried to reassure.

"Tell Kate I love her and that I never meant to hurt her. I want Mozzie and Elizabeth to know that I'm sorry."

Neal was getting agitated. His breathing picked up and he was restless.

"Shh, Shh, Neal, it's okay. You're not with Sir. You're in the hospital. Everything's fine. Just rest."

"I can't, I can't rest. I need…." Neal trailed off.

Peter thought Neal had fallen back to sleep but he continued to talk.

"I need Peter…."

I'm right here Neal", Peter said but Neal continued as if he didn't hear him.

"I need Peter to know that I'm sorry I'm not the man he thought I was. I'm not good enough, not strong enough. Sir, you're right. I'm not worth it." Neal started to cry softly. "So sorry Peter, so sorry…."

Peter's heart broke hearing those words. He would have given anything to take the despair and anguish Neal was experiencing away.

He felt helpless watching Neal suffer so he did the only thing he could to offer a little comfort. He climbed into the bed and held Neal, rocking him gently and murmuring soft words of encouragement until they both fell into an exhausted slumber.

WCWCWC

Sometime during the night, Neal's fever finally broke. The nurse came into the room to change Neal's sheets so he would be more comfortable. Peter moved back to the recliner and was able to get a few hours of sleep.

Even though the fever was no longer raging in Neal's body he was still having a rough time. He would sleep fitfully, his slumber marred by frequent nightmares. Neal would wake up numerous times throughout the night and each time he would look around in confusion until he met Peter's eyes. And each time he would ask the same question: "Am I free?" And each time Peter would answer with: "Yes, Neal. You're free."

Relief would shine in Neal's eyes and he wouldn't need any more reassurance than those four simple words from Peter. He would fall back asleep and the cycle would repeat itself.

Peter didn't know how many times he had reassured Neal but it didn't matter. Peter would continue to do so until Neal believed it to be true.

Peter heard Neal stirring in bed and when he looked over Neal was staring at him. Without waiting for Neal's question, Peter answered, "Yes, Neal. You're free." Instead of dropping back to sleep, Neal continued to stare at Peter. Finally, he spoke and asked "how long?"

"Six weeks Neal. You were gone for six weeks." A look of surprise seemed to cross Neal's face but he stayed silent. While in captivity, the passage of time held no meaning for Neal. He was held in a windowless room, wasn't kept to any type of routine and there was nothing he could use to mark the passing of each day.

"I'm so sorry Neal. I didn't know that you had been kidnapped." Peter's voice broke with emotion.

"Not your fault, Peter." Neal said. "I know you would have come if you had known. Did they catch him?"

"No, he wasn't there when we rescued you." Peter saw the look of panic and fear cross Neal's face. "It's okay Neal I'm not going to let anything happen to you. I'll be here and I've assigned a protection detail for you 24/7. You'll be safe."

"Neal, I don't want to do this but I need to know what happened. Do you know who took you?"

Neal stayed silent and Peter thought that he wasn't going to get an answer. Neal took a deep breath and seemed to steel himself before speaking.

"It seems like a lifetime ago," Neal said softly. "You gave me the signal to run and that's what I did. I hailed a cab to JFK but instead of taking me to the airport he took me to _that place_."

"At first I didn't know who he was. I called him Sir." Neal's voice started shaking. He had a faraway look in his eyes, like he was trapped in a memory. "He wouldn't tell me what he wanted. All he said was that he wanted to break me."

Peter hands clenched into fists as the anger of what happened to Neal washed over him. Peter forced himself to relax. "What else do you remember Neal?" Peter prodded gently.

"I don't want to talk about this anymore." Neal whispered quietly.

"It's okay Neal. Get some rest and I'll be right here. You're safe." Peter reassured.

Neal nodded but didn't say anything more. He wished he could believe Peter's words but he knew that he would never feel safe again.


	8. Chapter 8

Peter could only watch helplessly at what the trauma of his captivity did to Neal. Neal had withdrawn into himself and hardly spoke or made eye contact with anyone. He would sit in his hospital bed rocking back and forth. Neal barely acknowledged his presence and try as he might to reach his young friend, it wasn't working. Neal's doctor said that Neal's rocking was a form of self-soothing, a way to comfort himself when things got too bad and god know things got bad!

Seemingly innocuous things would trigger over the top reactions from Neal. You would never know what would set him off but there was one person that could always calm him down.

Ever since Neal's rescue Peter hadn't left his side. Neal awoke to sunlight streaming through his room window with Peter sitting next to him.

"Morning, Neal. How are you feeling today?" Peter asked.

He glanced over at Peter quickly but didn't respond. Peter continued talking. "Breakfast will be here soon. Are you hungry?"

Again, Peter was met with silence. Neal didn't want anything to eat as he now equated eating to pain. Sir had poisoned his food enough times that just the mere thought of having to eat made Neal want to run and hide.

 _Neal looked distastefully at his food and began to eat. It was disgusting and he had to wash it down with his water but it was food and his stomach didn't feel as empty as before._

 _After finishing, Neal laid back down on the cot. He must have dozed off because he awoke to a horrible pain in his stomach. It felt like a knife was twisting his insides out. He cried out in pain. Neal tried to stand but collapsed onto the floor in agony._

 _The door opened and Sir walked in the. He looked down at Neal who was gasping in pain._

" _Tsk, tsk Neal, was it something you ate?" Sir taunted cruelly._

" _My compliments to the chef, you sick bastard", Neal replied sarcastically._

 _Sir's eyes darkened and he kicked Neal hard in the stomach. Neal cried out and curled into a fetal position._

" _You better watch that smart mouth of yours". With one final kick, Sir walked out of the room leaving Neal writhing on the floor in misery._

Just then the orderly came in with Neal's breakfast tray. He placed it on the table in front of Neal and removed the cover. "Here's your breakfast Mr. Caffrey. We've got eggs, oatmeal, apple sauce and some orange juice. Is there anything else I can get you?"

When Neal didn't reply, Peter thanked the orderly as he left the room.

Neal couldn't help the gasp that came out of his mouth. There was no way in hell that he would eat that! Sir's poisoned meals tore his insides out and he would rather starve than go through that again.

"C'mon Neal. It's time for breakfast. Why don't you try eating some of that. You've got to start building up your strength." Peter surmised that Neal had lost a good 20lbs while in captivity.

Neal adamantly shook his head. Peter scooped some eggs onto a fork and tried to get Neal to take a bite. Again Neal shook his head no. "Please Neal, you have to eat."

Neal's frustration grew. Why wouldn't Peter understand that he didn't want to eat! Eating only caused pain and he couldn't go through that again. "No!" Neal shouted as he knocked the food out of Peter's hand. He pushed the tray angrily off the table and the food went flying everywhere.

"No, no, no, no", Neal chanted as he rocked back and forth on the bed. "No, no, no,no."

"Alright buddy, you don't have to eat if you don't want to. Please just calm down. Everything's fine", Peter soothed.

Neal continued to rock. _"What the hell did Neal go through that the sight of food would set him off like this,_ Peter thought to himself.

The orderly rushed in when he heard the commotion. Peter stopped him at the door and said "Please let me handle this. Everything's fine."

Collecting himself, Peter walked slowly to Neal's bed. "Neal, talk to me buddy. Tell me what's going on. I'm here for you."

Neal finally stopped rocking and looked up at Peter. "Please don't make me eat", he whispered in an almost child-like plea. "It hurts."

Peter was trying to understand what Neal was saying. "What hurts?"

"The food….Sir….poison…..made me eat. I didn't want to….he made me." Neal was becoming agitated. "Hurts."

Peter had heard enough and understood Neal's aversion to food. That sick bastard had poisoned Neal's food and forced him to eat it! Peter's anger surged but he tamped it down. "Neal, I'm so sorry you had to go through that but there is no poison food here. Nobody will hurt you like that again. Do you trust me?"

" _I can trust Peter right?"_ he thought to himself. _This isn't Sir's Peter. My Peter would never hurt me."_ Neal still found it difficult to reconcile the Peter he encountered during his hallucinations to the real Peter. Neal looked unsure and nodded his head slowly.

The container of applesauce still sat on Neal's table and Peter reached over for it. "I want you to try having some of this applesauce." A look of fear immediately crossed Neal's face and Peter could see that he was going to refuse.

"I know you don't want to but please just hear me out. I promise this isn't poisoned and it won't make you sick. What do you say, wanna give it a try?"

Neal was still apprehensive but he saw the look of hope on Peter's face so he nodded. He took the applesauce and dipped his spoon hesitantly into the cup. Taking a deep breath, Neal brought the spoon to his mouth and quickly swallowed.

He was able to eat a few more spoonfuls before Neal felt like he was going to be sick. He knew it was all in his head and that the food he was eating wasn't poisoned. "I can't eat anymore," Neal whispered. "Please don't make me."

"You did good buddy," Peter said. "I want you to try to eat a little something at each meal. We'll start small and work our way up. I'm proud of you."

"Not disappointed?" Neal suddenly asked, the unspoken _"in me"_ hung in the air.

"No, of course not. I'm not disappointed in you." Peter replied. "I just need you to try. Can you do that for me?"

"Okay, for you," Neal said quietly.

 _"When am I going to stop being a disappointment to everyone?"_ Neal thought to himself. _"I can't even eat without freaking out."_

Neal looked so forlorn that Peter's heart broke at the sight. He gently ran his hands through Neal's hair and sighed. "We'll get through this Neal. Together, we'll get through this."


	9. Chapter 9

Over the course of the next week, meal times were a struggle. Neal would try to eat a little something but he couldn't get over his fear of food. Neal knew he was disappointing Peter but he just couldn't help it.

After another barely touched meal was left on the tray, Neal hung his head in shame. _"What the hell is wrong with me"_ , he thought. _"Sir was right, I'm nothing but a disappointment."_

"Good try Buddy, I'm proud of you," Peter said encouragingly. Neal couldn't look at Peter and turned his back to him, effectively stopping the conversation.

Peter sighed and sat back down in his chair. He opened his paper to the crossword section but he couldn't really concentrate. He glanced over at Neal as his breathing evened out and he was asleep.

A half hour later, Elizabeth came to visit and Peter got up to greet her. "Hey hon. How's our boy doing today?" she asked.

"About the same. He's still struggling to eat. I don't know what to do. The doctor said that if he doesn't start eating more, they might have to put a feeding tube in him."

"How about we ask the doctor if Neal could have something a little bit more appetizing to eat. Maybe if I bring some of his favourites for him, he might be more receptive to eating."

Peter finally smiled. "How did I get so lucky? Brains and Beauty." He gave El a quick kiss and held her in his arms. She was his rock and he couldn't imagine his life without her by his side.

"Can you stay with Neal for a bit? I've got to run back to the office. ERT recovered some evidence that Jones and Diana wants me to see. Neal just fell asleep so he shouldn't be waking any time soon."

"Sure, don't worry. He'll be in good hands." Elizabeth smiled.

"There wasn't a doubt in my mind." Peter gave El another kiss and walked out the door.

WCWCWC

During ERTs sweep of the compound they had come across a small control room that Sir had used to monitor and record Neal while he was held captive. ERT recovered hours of video footage of Neal's time in captivity. The footage had been uploaded to Peter's laptop but he was hesitant to watch. Peter took a deep breath and pressed play.

Hours later, Peter's eyes burned with unshed tears. Listening to Neal's anguished cries and pleas was almost too much to bear. Neal would plead and cry to something or someone only he could see. Peter could see the desperation and fear in Neal's eyes and was soon overwhelmed by his own feelings of guilt because he was the one that told Neal to run. He had seen enough. Closing his laptop he put on his coat and wearily made his way to the elevator.

Back at the hospital Peter walked into Neal's room to find him still asleep. Elizabeth was sitting in the chair next to him reading a magazine. "Hey hon. Is everything okay?" she asked him with concern in her voice.

"That sick bastard recorded the things he did to Neal", Peter said with disgust. "I didn't want to watch but if I'm going to help Neal get through this I need to know what happened to him."

Just then Neal started to stir. He opened his eyes and saw Peter and El in conversation. "Neal sweetie you're awake!" She went over and squeezed his hand. "I'll leave you two guys to talk." She walked quickly to the door and left.

"Peter what's wrong?" Neal asked. He could sense there was something Peter was hiding from him.

Peter sighed. He wanted to tell Neal what ERT found but didn't want to upset him.

"Tell me Peter," Neal insisted. "I can handle it." He sat up a little straighter in bed.

"ERT did a sweep of the warehouse where you were held and ….they found video footage of your time in captivity."

"Did you watch the tapes Peter?" Neal asked hesitantly.

"Yes, Neal I did. I'm so sorry for what you went through. I know it was Kate's uncle who held you. His name is Douglas Moreau. We don't know much about him. He's not in the system and he's gone completely underground but we are doing everything we can to find him."

Neal closed his eyes in shame and started gently rocking back and forth. He didn't want Peter to know how weak he was with Sir. He wasn't strong enough and he was sure Peter was disappointed in him. "I'm so sorry Peter," he whispered.

Peter gently put a hand on Neal's shoulder to stop his rocking. "Why are you sorry? You have nothing to be sorry about." Peter said. "Neal, please open your eyes and look at me."

"I'm a disappointment. I was weak and I should have fought harder." Neal said quietly.

"No Neal. You're the strongest man I know and I know that you fought with everything you had. You're a survivor Neal and you have nothing to be ashamed of."

Neal looked at Peter with doubt in his eyes. He wanted to believe Peter but Sir's words kept echoing in his head. Neal took a deep breath and continued speaking, "Thank you Peter, for everything, for staying with me."

"You don't need to thank me Neal. You're going to get through this. You're going to be okay." Neal nodded wishing he had as much faith in himself as Peter seemed to have in him. But he knew it was easier said than done.

He was messed up…there was no other way to describe it. Sir did break him and Neal didn't know if any amount of support and help from Peter could make him whole again.


	10. Chapter 10

"I'm sorry buddy but I'm doing this for your own good. You're refusing to eat." Peter ran his hands through his hair, sighing in frustration.

Ever since Neal had landed in the hospital he had steadfastly refused to eat. His doctor even made an exception and allowed Peter to bring in outside food in an effort to get Neal to eat. Not even Elizabeth's delicious meals had been enough.

In a last ditch final Hail Mary, Peter tried to guilt Neal into eating. "C'mon Neal, please you gotta eat something. If you're not going to do it for yourself, please do it for me." Peter didn't want to use guilt to force Neal to eat but he was at his wits end and out of options.

Neal stared at Peter and it looked like the guilt trip might have worked. But then a shuttered look fell across his face and he shook his head adamantly.

Neal still wasn't eating enough to satisfy the doctor so today they were going to insert a feeding tube so he could get the nutrients he so desperately needed.

Dr. Watson approached Neal's bed and Neal visibly shrank back, clutching his blanket protectively against himself. "Since you are refusing to eat we're going to be fitting you with a gastric feeding tube. This will pump nutrients directly into your system at regular intervals." A look of fear instantly crossed Neal's face. "We're going to need to sedate you…it'll make the procedure more comfortable for you. Don't worry, it's a mild sedative and will relax you. You won't be completely under and you'll be aware of what's going on. I'll send the nurse in and we'll get started once you're prepped."

"It's okay Neal. I'll be right here with you." Peter tried to comfort his friend. Neal looked like he was going to have a panic attack.

Maggie, Neal's day nurse entered his room with a tray of instruments to prep Neal for the procedure. "Hi Neal, I'll be getting you set for the procedure. I'll give you a mild sedative and it'll relax you. She looked at Peter and said, "Agent, if you would please step out." Peter made to leave and Neal grabbed his hand. For someone who hadn't eaten much in weeks, his grip was surprisingly strong. Neal's eyes practically begged Peter to stay.

"Nurse please I think it would be better for Neal if I stayed." Neal shook his head yes. Maggie looked at both men and had to agree. Neal was always calmer when Peter was around. "Sure, you can stay. Okay, Neal, I'm going to give you the sedative now. It'll take a couple of minutes for it to take effect." Maggie approached Neal's bed with the needle and all hell broke loose. Neal's fight or flight instinct kicked in as he tried to scramble out of his bed. In the process he knocked over the instrument tray which fell to the floor with a loud clang. He also managed to rip out his IV. Peter stood frozen in shock for a moment.

Maggie started yelling for some assistance. Neal managed to grab a pair of surgical scissors from the tray and was now waving them in an un-coordinated manner. He was unsteady on his feet, his eyes darting around the room frantically.

A couple of orderlies charged in the room with restraints. "Wait, hold on!" Peter snapped out of his shock. "Those won't be necessary. Let me just talk to him." The orderlies looked to Maggie for assistance. "It's okay", she said. "Let Agent Burke try talking to him." Meanwhile, Neal was still waving the scissors around.

"Neal, look at me." Peter held his hands up in a non-threatening gesture. "It's Peter. No one is going to hurt you. You're safe. Look at me", Peter said again. Neal's eyes finally settled on Peter.

"Peter?" he whispered hesitantly.

"Yeah, kiddo, it's me. Put the scissors down. No one's going to hurt you. C'mon, it's Peter. I'm right here."

"No, you're lying, it's a trick. You can't trick me again! Peter's not here. It's a lie, it's always a lie. You're NOT my Peter!" Neal's confusion broke Peter's heart.

"It's not a lie or a trick Neal. I'm here and you're safe. Please believe me." He slowly walked towards Neal with his hand outstretched. "Take my hand Neal, I'm real. Take my hand please," Peter pleaded.

Neal dropped the scissors and grabbed Peter's hand like a lifeline. He sagged against the wall, all the fight drained out of him. Neal brought his knees up against his chest and started to sob, his whole body shaking uncontrollably. Peter cautiously stepped closer to Neal, not wanting to spook him and slowly sat down beside him. Neal practically threw himself at Peter.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry", he chanted, his apology like a mantra. Peter held Neal tightly and ran his hands through his hair. "It's okay Neal," he soothed. "It's okay. It wasn't your fault. You're going to be okay."

He was trapped with no way out. Neal thought that when was rescued, that would be the end of it. He would be free and move on. Little did he realize that this was the beginning of a worse nightmare, trapped within the walls of his guilt and fear. When Maggie approached him with that needle something inside him snapped. He couldn't, no wouldn't go through that again. So he did the only thing he could, he fought. But he was so tired of fighting. And besides what the hell was he fighting for anyway? Neal was always a problem solver. Give him enough time and he could always find a solution. That was what made him a master con man and CI. But he couldn't figure a solution out of this never ending nightmare.

Peter could see that Neal's outburst had exhausted him. He laid weakly in Peter's arms, his eyes drooping, already half asleep. Peter motioned for Maggie and she slowly came forward and crouched in front of Neal. She gently swabbed his arm and injected the sedative into Neal. Neal barely flinched and in seconds his eyes closed and his breathing evened out.

Peter lifted Neal back onto his bed and motioned for Maggie to follow him outside. He asked her to page Neal's doctor as he wanted to speak with him about continuing with El's meal program. At first Dr. Watson was reluctant but Peter could be quite persuasive and soon after he relented and agreed that putting the feeding tube in could do more psychological harm to Neal.

After about an hour Neal started to stir. Peter was there when he woke up.

"Hey Neal. Everything's fine. They didn't put the feeding tube in."

Neal visibly relaxed at hearing that information. "The doctor said that you can continue to try eating the food Elizabeth brings in but Neal you have to make a real effort to eat."

"Thanks Peter," Neal said. "I'm sorry about earlier." Neal looked down in shame.

Peter placed his hand on Neal's shoulder and gave it a gentle squeeze. "Don't worry about it. Everything's gonna be fine. I know it doesn't seem like it but you have to give it some time."

Neal didn't respond. He was shutting down again. Peter gave an inward sigh. He could see the doubt in the young man's eyes and knew Neal didn't believe his words. But Peter wouldn't give up. Neal was worth fighting for even if Neal didn't believe it and this was the time Peter would need to have enough strength to fight for the both of them.


	11. Chapter 11

The next couple of weeks went by fairly smoothly, all things considered. Neal started to eat more and Peter was glad El's suggestion was finally working. Although, he was eating more, food was still a struggle for Neal. It was hard for him to put aside his negative association with food. Peter had to cajole and encourage but Neal was slowly starting to feel better with eating. He had gained back some of the weight he had lost—not all of it but it was a start.

Dr. Watson had brought up the suggestion of therapy for Neal but each time Neal would shut it down without even considering it as an option.

Dr. Regan, the therapist Dr. Watson suggested, tried to see Neal on a couple of occasions but Neal wasn't receptive. Neal had shut down and was adamant that therapy wouldn't help him. What was the point of talking about it? He didn't want to relive his ordeal in captivity. All he wanted to do was get out of the hospital and forget everything that Sir had done to him. Not even Peter could convince him of giving therapy a chance.

Neal had finally gained enough weight and gotten physically well enough to be discharged from the hospital. Dr. Watson once again re-iterated his recommendation of therapy but Neal was adamant and refused. With nothing more that he could do, Dr. Watson signed the release papers and wished Neal all the best as he left the hospital. He knew that Neal had a long road ahead and hoped that he would continue to receive the support that he needed.

WCWCWCWC

Nobody knew that Peter had given Neal the signal to run. As far as everybody was concerned, Neal had been kidnapped on the day of his commutation hearing. In light of those circumstances and in a rare display of compassion, the commutation board was amenable to scheduling another hearing as soon as Neal was up to it. In the meantime, Neal was released back into Peter's custody. Without the threat of prison hanging over Neal's head he had a real chance of healing. Peter was immensely grateful for the turn of events and vowed that he would be there for Neal every step of the way.

There was never any doubt that Neal would stay with Peter once he was discharged from the hospital. Both men walked into the house but Neal just sort of stopped at the base of the stairs, unsure of what to do. He was still extremely quiet and would rarely engage or make eye contact.

"C'mon Neal, why don't you come sit on the couch. Try and relax a bit and I'll go get your room ready. Are you going to be okay down here?"

Neal nodded and sat on the couch quietly. Peter quickly ran upstairs and got to work getting the guestroom ready for Neal. Twenty minutes later he came back down the stairs to find Neal sitting in the same position, staring blankly ahead. Peter wished El was here but she was upstate catering an event and would be back the following day.

"Hey Neal, your room's all ready. Did you want to go upstairs to rest or did you want something to eat first?" There was no response from the young man on the couch. Peter tried again to catch his attention. "Neal, do you want something to eat?"

Still not getting a response from Neal, Peter reach over and gently placed his hand on Neal's shoulder. As soon as Peter touched him Neal jerked back and screamed, "Don't touch me!" He proceeded to push past Peter and bolted out through the front door.

Peter was startled by Neal's reaction but recovered quickly. He ran out the door after Neal. "Neal, stop!" Neal continued to run. Neal was still weak and hadn't gotten very far and Peter was able to close the distance between them fairly quickly.

"Neal, you're free, you don't have to run anymore." Those words seemed to have an effect on Neal and he stopped and turned slowly to face Peter. A look of confusion crossed Neal's face and he just stood there….lost.

"C'mon Neal. Let's go home." Peter slowly walked back towards the house hoping Neal would follow. After a few moments of hesitation Neal began the slow trek back to Peter's house.

After making their way inside, Peter steered Neal towards the couch. "Why don't you try lying down for a bit bud?"

Neal was quiet and did what he was told. This was completely un-Neal like that Peter couldn't help the feeling of sadness that swept over him. Peter gently placed a blanket over Neal when he suddenly felt Neal grab onto his wrist.

"Where are you going Peter?" Neal asked with a hint of fear in his voice.

"I'm not going anywhere. I'm gonna be right over at the dining room table. I brought my laptop home so I'll be doing a bit of work."

Neal still didn't let go of his wrist. "Did you lock all the doors Peter?' Neal's eyes darted around nervously.

"Yes, Neal I did." Peter replied.

"Both the back and front door? And what about the alarm? Did you turn it on?"

"Both doors are locked." Peter responded patiently. "The alarm doesn't need to be armed. You're safe. I'm here."

Neal didn't look convinced so Peter continued. "Would you feel better if I turned the alarm on?"

Neal nodded, suddenly feeling embarrassed and stupid for being so scared.

"It's okay Neal. I'll turn the alarm on. Try and get some rest."

Peter turned the alarm on and went to the dining room. It wasn't long before Neal fell asleep. A little over an hour later Peter goes to wake Neal up.

"C'mon, Sleeping Beauty. Time to get up. If you sleep anymore you'll be up all night." Neal gave a moan and snuggled deeper into the couch.

"Up and at 'em Neal. Let's go. It's time for some lunch anyway," Peter cajoled. "I know Elizabeth left you a nice Cobb salad."

Finally, Neal opened his eyes and blinked up at Peter sleepily. He pushed the blanket off himself and followed Peter into the dining room.

"Sit and I'll get lunch ready."

Neal wasn't very hungry but he knew Peter would make him eat anyway. The doctor had wanted him to follow a pretty regular meal schedule and Peter was adamant that Neal obeyed the doctor's orders.

After setting down both plates, Peter began to dig in. Neal just picked at his food but he did manage to eat a few bites.

"Thanks for letting me stay with you and El," Neal said softly.

"You don't have to thank us Neal. We want you to stay."

"I'm sorry about earlier. About locking the doors and the alarm." Peter could hear the embarrassment in Neal's voice.

"It's not a problem Neal." Peter reassured. "I just want you to feel safe. Nothing's going to happen to you."

"You know you can talk to me right? About anything." Peter said.

Neal pushed his food around his plate and refused to make eye contact with Peter. Neal continued to stay silent but Peter pressed on. "You know that right?"

Finally, Neal looked up. "I know I can but I can't do this now. I just want to forget." Neal was on the verge of tears. "Please don't make me do this."

Neal was becoming agitated and the last thing Peter wanted was to upset his young friend.

"I won't ever make you do anything you don't want to do. We don't have to talk now, but when you're ready, I'm here."

Neal nodded and started to slowly eat his lunch. He didn't think there would ever come a day when he would feel ready to re-live the horrors he went through with Sir.

WCWCWC

The rest of the day passed by uneventfully and soon it was time for bed. Neal had sat on the couch most of the day staring at the TV but not really watching. Peter had put a game on and then a movie but he knew Neal wasn't paying attention. He could see that Neal was troubled, trapped in his own thoughts. He wanted to help but he knew the best thing he could do right now was to let Neal process his trauma in his own time.

"Alright Neal, time to call it a night," Peter said as he turned off the TV. "Let's get you upstairs."

As they were headed up the stairs, Neal grabbed Peter's arm. "Did you lock the doors and set the alarm?" he asked.

"Yes, Neal. The doors are locked and the alarm is set."

Neal looked like he didn't believe him so Peter asked, "Did you want to check yourself, Neal?"

Neal walked back down the stairs and went to the front and back doors. He made sure both doors were locked and that the alarm was turned on. Finally satisfied he followed Peter upstairs.

"Goodnight Neal. I'm here if you need anything." Peter said.

"Thanks Peter. Goodnight." Neal replied as he entered his room.

Peter awoke with a start. Something had startled him awake. He reached over for El and found her side of the bed empty. The room was dark with just a hint of moonlight streaming through the window. The he heard it. A blood curdling scream!

"Neal!" Peter threw his covers back and bolted from his bed, his adrenaline in high gear. Neal kept screaming. Peter approached Neal's door cautiously, wanting to make sure there wasn't an unknown danger he was walking into.

The sight that greeted Peter when he opened the door broke his heart. Neal was sitting straight up in bed screaming his lungs out, a look of sheer terror on his face.

" _Night terrors",_ thought Peter. The doctor had warned him that Neal might suffer from them.

Peter recalled the conversation the doctor had with him before discharging Neal. _"They're different from nightmares, Agent Burke. With nightmares, you are aware you're dreaming and you can generally recall what you dreamt about. But with night terrors, you don't realize it's a dream. It's like your mind is trapped within a wall of fear. The patient may sleep walk but when they snap out of it, they would have no recollection of what happened."_

 _Peter looked at the doctor with concern. "How can I help Neal with this?"_

" _Upon waking the patient will experience general confusion, they might not know who they are and may be confused about their surroundings. Be calm and gentle and the patient will eventually settle."_

Peter approached Neal's bed. "Neal, it's Peter. It's okay. You're safe." Neal only continued to scream. His eyes were wide open with an intense look of fear. Suddenly, he bolted out of bed. Peter didn't try to stop Neal but was sticking close so Neal wouldn't harm himself. Neal wandered around the room looking for an escape. He was breathing heavily all the while muttering "I want to be free, I want to be free." All of a sudden he stopped in front of the window and attempted to open it.

"Whoa, whoa, hold on there Neal. We're on the second floor. You can't go out that window." Peter puts an arm out to guide Neal back to bed.

Once he gets Neal settled back into bed, he seemed to snap out of it. "Peter? What's going on?" he asked sleepily.

"Nothing buddy. Go back to sleep. Everything's fine." Peter replied.

Neal looked at Peter for a minute trying to decide if he believed him or not. Finally, sleep claimed him and he mumbled a drowsy "kay" before drifting off.

Just to be on the safe side, Peter pulled up a chair next to Neal's bed. He sat down wearily and made a mental note to himself that in the morning he'll need to go to Home Depot to get locks on the windows.


	12. Chapter 12

"Cmon Neal, time for you to get out of the house. Let's go for a walk. Just to the park." Peter asked.

"No, I don't want to go to the park Peter. Leave me alone," Neal grumbled. Neal wasn't a particularly vain man, regardless of what some might think but he did have an image that he liked to maintain. Although his ordeal with Sir didn't leave any physical scars, he was still a bit underweight and felt self-conscious of how he looked so he didn't feel comfortable being out in public.

Ever since being discharged from the hospital he hadn't strayed far from the Burke's home. He had a couple of doctor's appointments but other than that he would sit on the couch or be up in his room. The only other place he felt comfortable was the Burke's backyard. Whenever he would feel overwhelmed he would go into the backyard and sit and stare at the sky.

Neal was spending way too much time inside his own head and it was up to Peter to snap him out of it. "No can do, we're going for a walk. Let's go."

Neal gave a sigh of frustration but he got up and followed Peter out the door.

"Do you have your gun?" Neal suddenly asked.

"I don't need my gun, Neal. We're just heading to the park. Nothing's gonna happen," Peter reassured.

Not looking entirely convinced, Neal just nodded and both men began the trek to the park. Peter tried to engage Neal in conversation but he didn't reciprocate. Peter sighed and stayed quiet the rest of the way.

Suddenly, Neal stopped walking and stood perfectly still. Peter had walked a bit ahead and when he realized Neal wasn't following he turned around to find Neal with a look of pure fear in his eyes.

"Neal, what's wrong?" he asked, only to be met by silence. As he walked over to Neal, a cab drove past them and Peter understood.

" _Where are we going?" Neal tried his door, only to find that it was locked. Panic was beginning to creep in._

" _What the hell are you doing? Let me out!" Neal shouted as he struggled with the door._

 _The cabbie continued to stay silent and drove on. Neal started pounding on his window hoping to get the attention of a passing car. Suddenly, Neal heard a hissing sound and gas started filling the interior of the cab._

 _Neal tried to hold his breath and used his pocket square to cover his nose and mouth but it was nearly impossible to hold his breath for so long. He was getting light headed and the gas made black spots dance in front of his eyes. Neal knew he was going to lose consciousness soon. With a final surge of adrenaline he pounded on the partition again but to no avail. The glass wouldn't budge and the cabbie continued to ignore him._

Neal's last thought before losing consciousness was "Peter, please find me." The gas finally overpowered Neal and he slumped sideways onto the seat, unconscious.

"Neal! Neal!" Peter tried to get his attention but he wasn't responding, trapped in a horrible flashback.

Peter tentatively put his hand Neal's arm, hoping he wouldn't startle him. Suddenly, Neal turned to Peter, eyes wide with fear and unshed tears. "Don't let him get me. Peter, please, help me."

He was shaking uncontrollably and his breath was coming in short gasps. Neal swayed and Peter put out an arm to steady him. Knowing that Neal was on the verge of a panic attack he led him over to a bench.

"C'mon Neal, take it easy. Deep breaths," Peter coached as they both sat down.

Neal was still shaking as he turned to Peter. "I can't….I don't want…please…no" he babbled incoherently, panic consuming him. His heart felt like it was about to burst out of his chest and he saw black spots dancing in front of his eyes.

Peter put both hands on Neal's face. "Neal, look at me. Slow down. Follow me. Deep breath in, deep breath out."

He was feeling lightheaded but did his best to follow Peter's instructions. "That's it buddy, good job. Deep breath in, deep breath out. Slowly. Not too fast. You're fine, everything's okay," Peter soothed.

After what seemed like a lifetime, Neal was able to set get his breathing under control. He still took the occasional shuddering breath but he was able to breathe easier.

Neal was so embarrassed. He had a public meltdown! _"What the hell is wrong with me," he thought. "I'm so pathetic that the sight of a taxi cab could bring such a reaction."_

Peter could see a myriad of emotions cross Neal's face-embarrassment, shame, fear, self-loathing.

Without looking up at Peter, Neal softly said, "I want to go home." Neal got up from the bench and headed back towards the house.

WCWCWC

"I want to help you Neal. You can't keep going like this." It had been another rough night for Neal, plagued by nightmares and horrible thoughts churning in his head. Once again, Peter was pleading with Neal to accept help.

"I'm fine Peter. Just leave me alone." Neal said angrily. "I'm dealing with it."

"You call this dealing with it? Waking up each night screaming?" Peter knew he was being harsh when he saw Neal flinch at his words. But he was doing this for his own good. "You have to talk about it or it's gonna eat you alive."

"You don't know what it's like. The things Sir…did to me…the things he said." Neal's voice hitched. "I was weak and pathetic. I was ready to end it all but the damn gun was empty." Neal's thoughts took him back to that awful day.

" _Neal, I've taken pity on you", Sir said as he walked in a circle around Neal's prone body. "Today is the day you can set yourself free. Would you like that Neal?" Neal was too weak to respond which pissed Sir off. He bent down and painfully grabbed Neal's hair, pulling him up to meet his eyes. "Ah, ah, ah, what did I teach you Neal? You make eye contact and respond when spoken to. Let's try this again. Would you like that Neal?" Neal made eye contact and mumbled "Yes sir."_

" _That's a good boy. I taught you well. Here's your ticket out." Sir placed a gun next to Neal. "Whenever you're ready you can set yourself free." With those chilling words he turned away and walked out._

 _Neal continued to lie there, not moving. "Was Sir lying?" he thought. He looked over to the gun and slowly reached out to take it in his hand. It was such a simple solution, one small movement with his finger and he would be free. Free of all the pain and guilt. He cocked the gun with shaking hands and put it against his temple and pulled the trigger._

 _The loud click made Neal flinch. He pulled the trigger again and again._

" _Click Click Click." Nothing happened. The chamber was empty. There were no bullets._

" _No", Neal sobbed. "You said I would be free. I WANT TO BE FREE!'_

"Do you still want to end it?" Peter asked gently. Neal was quiet for so long Peter didn't think he would answer.

"Yes….No…I don't know!" Neal said exasperated. "I'm so confused. I don't know who I am anymore or what I want. Sir broke me. I'm not worth it Peter. You should just forget about me and move on with your life. Throw me back in jail and be done with it."

"Neal, look at me. I am not going anywhere and neither are you. You can't get rid of me that easily. Like it or not, we're family and families stick together."

Peter continued to talk, hoping what he says will get through to Neal. "It's a long road but it's not one you have to walk alone. You have me, Elizabeth, Mozzie. There are people who love you Neal and we're willing to do whatever it takes to get you well. Please let us help you."

Neal could feel the sincerity in Peter's words. He knew he couldn't go on like this. He needed help but he wasn't ready. He didn't want to think about it. All he wanted to do was forget-pretend it never happened and get on with his life.

"Dr. Watson suggested therapy. Maybe you should consider it. If you don't want to talk to me, that's okay but you should talk to someone. I really believe that it can help you Neal."

"I'll think about it," Neal said hesitantly.

Knowing this was as much of an agreement he would get from Neal, Peter let the subject drop-for now.

WCWCWC

"Come on in Mozzie." Mozzie enters the Burke's house but not before nervously glancing behind him like he was afraid to be seen entering a Fed's house. Under normal circumstances Peter would have been annoyed but he was just happy that Mozzie was willing to come.

Peter led Mozzie into the dining room. Both men took a seat that the table. "I take it you summoned me here to talk about Neal. How's he doing?"

Peter ran a hand down his face. "Not well. He's not sleeping, he's jumpy and on edge all the time. I've broached the subject of counselling a couple of times but Neal refuses to consider it. I was hoping you could talk to him."

Mozzie seemed to ponder Peter's request. He had visited Neal a few times while he was in the hospital and knew his friend wasn't coping well with his ordeal. But he had hoped that when Neal was released from the hospital it would be a good step in Neal's healing process.

Mozzie wasn't a big fan of counselling-baring your innermost thoughts and your deepest secrets to a perfect stranger-it made him shudder just thinking about it. But this was Neal. He was different. He was a sensitive soul and Mozzie knew that talking to a professional about his trauma would do him good.

"I'll see what I can do Suit. Where is he?"

"Upstairs in his room. Thanks Mozzie."

Mozzie nodded and headed up the stairs. Neal's door was closed so he knocked gently before opening the door and walking in.

Neal sat in his bed, gently rocking. When he heard the door open he tensed before realizing it was Mozzie.

In that split second before Neal put his mask on, Mozzie could see the fear and wariness in his friend's eyes.

"Hey Moz, what are you doing here? You're not worried about me, are you?" Neal joked.

"Can't a friend just visit another friend without ulterior motives?"

Neal gave Mozzie a look of disbelief. "Not when that friend is you Moz. Did Peter send you? You know I'm fine right?" Neal tried to give Mozzie his trademark grin but it fell flat.

"Nobody 'sends' me anywhere", Mozzie says in mock annoyance. I just wanted to see how you were doing."

"As you can 'see' I'm doing fine Moz. You don't have to worry."

"You can't con a con, mon frere. Neal, I know you're not fine. The Suit is worried about you and frankly so am I", Mozzie said.

Silence fell across the room. "Seriously Neal, you can't keep going on like this…."

"Like what Moz?" Neal glared at Mozzie, a glimmer of anger in his eyes. "Don't I look fine?"

Mozzie looked at Neal. He wasn't quite back to his fighting weight but he was slowly getting there. He was also starting to get some of colour back and didn't look quite so pale. But it wasn't Neal's physical recovery Moz was concerned about, it was the emotional and psychological scars that still haunted him. One look into Neal's eyes and even a blind man can see the pain that was still present. So many emotions were reflected in those blue eyes. Shame, fear, sadness.

"You can stop worrying, Moz. I don't know how many times I have to tell everyone I'm fine." Neal was becoming frustrated and started rocking.

Mozzie sat down gingerly on the bed and patted Neal's blanket clad leg awkwardly.

"We all care about you Neal and want to help you. Why are you being so stubborn?"

"Therapy isn't going to help", Neal started.

"It can't hurt either", Moz quickly retorted.

Neal stopped rocking and looked at Mozzie in surprise. "Since when are you a fan of psychologists?"

"Even though I personally don't believe in therapy, it can help. And I think it can help you. I want you to get your life back Neal. You can't keep living this way."

Moz got up to leave. "Please just think about it."

"No promises but I'll think about it," Neal said warily.

As Mozzie descended the stairs, Peter looked at him expectantly.

"Well, how did it go?"

"Typical Neal. He deflected and said everything was fine."

"But…" Peter started to interrupt.

"I know he's not fine and I called him out on it. We had some words but Neal conceded and would take our suggestion of therapy under advisement."

Peter sighed in disappointment. He had hoped that Mozzie would be able to convince Neal that therapy would help his road to recovery.

"Thanks for coming Moz," Peter said as Mozzie walked towards the door.

"Please keep me posted on Neal's progress, Suit. And thank you for everything you're doing for him," Mozzie said awkwardly as he quickly went out the door.

Peter decided to go upstairs to check on Neal. Neal was sitting in bed and Peter knocked gently to catch his attention.

"How was your-" Peter started to ask. Without waiting for Peter to continue Neal lashed out. "Fine, you wanna talk! How's this: I was held captive by a madman while he tortured and messed with my mind. I can't sleep, I can barely eat. I'm scared all the time and all I hear is his voice inside my head. There, are you happy now? I'm sorry if I'm not 'bouncing back' as fast you would like. Just stop pressuring me!"

Neal's emotions were so raw and close to the surface that it didn't take much to set them off. Peter bore the brunt of it because he was with Neal the most. He was used to it and took it in stride.

Neal's outburst had exhausted him and he slumped heavily on the bed. Breathing harshly he immediately felt guilty about how he spoke to Peter.

"Are you done Neal?" Peter asked calmly.

Neal couldn't look at Peter and just nodded.

"I'm not trying to pressure you and you're right. I'll never know exactly how you feel but I am witnessing the aftermath and you know it's not in my nature to do nothing. You deserve to get your life back."

"No, I don't Peter. I don't deserve it. Please leave, I want to be alone."

Peter acquiesced and left Neal's room. Did Neal have to hit rock bottom before he would admit to needing help? How much more could he take before it became too much and something horrible happened. Peter vowed to not let it get that far. He had to find a way to get through to his friend.


	13. Chapter 13

"Kate!"

Both Peter and Elizabeth woke to the sound of Neal shouting. Peter started to get out of bed but Elizabeth stopped him. "I'll go hon. You go back to sleep,"

"Are you sure? You know how Neal gets…"

"I'll be fine. Don't worry." She gave Peter a quick kiss on the cheek as he drifted back to sleep.

Elizabeth got out of bed and padded down the hall to Neal's room. She gently pushed the door open and saw Neal tossing in his sleep, his blankets tangled around his legs. He was mumbling but Elizabeth could make out: "Kate, so sorry and love you."

She went over and sat down on the bed. Reaching a hand to still his movements, she gently touched his face.

"Neal, Neal, wake up. You're dreaming."

Neal's eyes flew open in shock. He sat up and his eyes darted around the room frantically. When his eyes landed on Elizabeth, he immediately pulled her into a tight embrace.

Startled, it took Elizabeth a second to return the hug. "Neal, honey are you okay?'

Neal pulled back and replied, "I'm so glad you're here Kate but we gotta get out of here before Sir comes back."

Neal scrambled out of bed and before Elizabeth knew what was happening he had grabbed her by the hand and started towards the door.

Elizabeth tried to stop him but Neal was determined to save "Kate." He dragged her out into the hallway and was looking for a way out. "Kate we gotta move quickly before Sir comes back."

Elizabeth could hear the fear in his voice. "Neal, listen to me. I'm not Kate. It's Elizabeth. Sir's not here, you're safe."

Neal stared at her with confusion in his eyes. "No, this is a trick…one of Sir's tricks. Please listen to me Kate. I'm trying to keep you safe." Neal was becoming agitated and began tugging on Elizabeth's hand more insistently.

Peter heard the commotion and stepped out of his room. "What's going on?" Peter asked. He saw Neal holding Elizabeth's hand and he gave his wife a questioning look.

"It's okay Peter. Neal's a little confused. He thinks I'm Kate. Neal, sweetie, it's Elizabeth. Please let go, you're not in any danger. Look, Peter's here too."

"Peter?" A spark of recognition seemed to reach Neal's eyes but just as quickly it disappeared to be replaced by suspicion.

"You're not MY Peter. You're Sir's Peter. Stay away from Kate!" Neal yelled. He had Elizabeth's hand in a death grip and she was starting to lose feeling in it.

"C'mon Neal, that's not Kate. It's Elizabeth. Now let her go and we'll get you back in bed."

Neal was insistent and wasn't going to let go of "Kate" so easily. He tried to dodge past Peter and run down the stairs but Peter blocked his way. Getting frustrated, Neal became aggressive and once again tried to push past Peter.

The momentum of Peter's resistance made Neal lose his balance. To compensate Neal flailed his arms out to steady himself. In the process, Neal's elbow inadvertently struck Elizabeth in the face. Elizabeth gasped in pain.

Peter had had enough. When it came to Elizabeth his overprotective streak jumped to the forefront. Peter grabbed Neal and pushed him out of the way. "El, are you okay?" he asked with concern.

El rubbed her cheek which was already starting to turn red. "I'm fine Peter. He didn't mean it." She could feel Peter's anger and she knew that Peter wasn't really angry at Neal but at the situation that had just occurred.

Finally snapping out of it, Neal looked at El and Peter in horror. _What had he done?_ He looked at Elizabeth who was holding her cheek and saw Peter glaring at him in anger.

Neal's eyes widened in shock. _Did he do this to Elizabeth?_ He couldn't imagine hurting her!

Neal felt sick to his stomach and had to get out of there. He pushed past Peter and ran frantically down the stairs.

Peter let him go as his sole focus was on Elizabeth. "El, are you sure you're okay?"

"I'm fine Peter. He didn't mean it. Neal would never hurt me intentionally," Elizabeth soothed as she could still feel the anger emanating from her husband.

"He hurt you El, intentional or not," Peter said angrily.

"I'm fine, Peter. Go to him," El reasoned.

"You need me right now. I'll go get you a cold compress." Peter started towards the bathroom.

"Neal needs you more. I'll get the compress and you go talk to Neal. Please go. I'll feel better if you do."

Peter sighed and ran a hand down his face. He took El in his arms and touched her cheek gently. "Go talk to Neal. He needs you."

"Okay you win. I'll go talk to Neal."

Peter walked down the stairs to find the living and dining room dark. Neal wasn't there but he found Satchmo lying by the back door.

"Hey boy. Is Neal out there?"

Satchmo wagged his tail in response.

Peter opened the back door to find Neal sitting on the patio chair rocking back and forth chanting "sorry" over and over. Peter's anger dissipated in that moment and he approached Neal cautiously.

"Hey buddy, he said gently. Why don't we go inside? It's not exactly warm out here." There was a definite chill in the air and Neal was wearing only a thin t-shirt and his sleep pants.

At the sound of Peter's voice, Neal only rocked harder. He continued to chant "sorry" over and over.

"Neal stop and look at me." Getting no response Peter put his hand softly on Neal's shoulder. "Neal please stop," he said again.

Neal looked up at Peter with panic in his eyes. "I'm sorry Peter. I'll leave right now." He jumped up from his chair.

"Neal…" Not letting Peter finish Neal continued on. "You have every right to be angry. Sir's right. I'm a horrible person who hurt the people that I care about. I don't belong in your home." Neal was pacing back and forth, his hands in his hair. He was breathing harshly and Peter recognized the signs of an imminent panic attack.

"Neal stop!" Peter commanded. He wasn't angry….anymore. He just needed Neal to stop talking and listen to him.

"I know you're sorry and I'm not angry," Peter said gently.

Still breathing harshly Neal looked at Peter in disbelief. "But I hurt Elizabeth."

"You did," Peter stated and Neal immediately looked away in shame. "But I know you didn't do it intentionally."

"C'mon let's got inside." Neal was shaking whether it was from the cold or the events that transpired he couldn't tell. Both men wearily went inside with Peter turning on the living room lights.

"Do you want to try going back to bed Neal?" Peter asked.

Neal shook his head. "I don't think I can sleep. I'll just sit down here for awhile."

"How about some tea to warm up?"

Neal nodded and Peter busied himself in the kitchen.

Neal couldn't believe the events that transpired tonight. Never in his wildest dreams did he want to hurt Elizabeth. He couldn't stay here, he was a danger to the people he cared most about. The more he thought about it, the more agitated he became.

He bolted from the couch intent on grabbing his stuff and leaving. As he was heading up the stairs, Elizabeth was on her way down. They locked eyes and Neal froze. He could see the bruise forming on her face and before El could say anything, he was running past her up the stairs.

Neal reached his room and slammed the door. He got his bag from the closet and started throwing his clothes into it. Peter heard running and a door slamming so he left the kitchen to investigate. He saw El standing near the bottom of the stairs. Peter winced in sympathy at the dark purple bruise on her cheek.

"Hey hon, how do you feel?"

"A little sore but I'm okay. It's nothing a little make-up can't hide. Neal's not handling this well."

Peter sighed and rubbed his hand wearily down his face. "I'll go talk to him."

"No, let me." Elizabeth said. "I think he needs to hear from me that I don't blame him and it wasn't his fault what happened tonight."

Elizabeth went upstairs and knocked on Neal's door. Not getting a response she pushed the door open and saw Neal frantically throwing clothes into his bag.

"Sweetie, Neal we need to talk," Elizabeth said gently. Neal continued to pack, not acknowledging Elizabeth's presence.

Elizabeth walked up to him and reached an arm to still his movements.

"Neal, stop and look at me." Neal couldn't bear to look El in the eyes, guilt overwhelming him.

She tilted his chin up until he met her eyes. "This is not your fault," she said adamantly. I know you didn't mean to hurt me. It was an accident."

"I'm so sorry Elizabeth. I don't belong here." Neal's eyes brimmed with unshed tears.

"Yes, you do belong here. You're family." El said fiercely. "We want to help you but you've got to let us in."

Neal sees the love in her eyes and can feel it but he knows he doesn't deserve it. Everything he's done makes him unworthy.

Neal shook his head. "Please let me go. I don't want to hurt you again. You mean too much to me."

"El's right you know. You're family and we're not going to let you go." Peter said from the doorway.

"You may feel broken now but you will heal. Trust me on that. It will take time and there will be setbacks but it will get better. You will get your life back and you're going to be okay Neal," Peter said with such conviction in his voice.

Neal found those words so hard to believe but he wanted to believe them so badly. So, he was going to take a leap of faith and allow himself to grab onto those words like a lifeline.

Taking a deep breath, Neal looked Peter straight in the eyes. "Peter, please help me."


	14. Chapter 14

After an exhausting night, Peter should have been dead to the world. However, his mind wouldn't let him rest so he got up and made his way quietly out of bed. He glanced fondly down at his wife and was glad to see she was still sleeping peacefully. He made his way down the hall and softly opened Neal's door. He watched him for a moment and couldn't help but recall the events that had transpired last night.

It was a breakthrough of sorts but Peter was just sad that it had to come to El getting hurt for Neal to finally agree to some help.

He shut the door with a quiet click and walked downstairs to the kitchen to start a pot of coffee. He needed to make some calls to arrange for therapy for Neal. Peter wanted to get Neal in quickly before he changed his mind. When Neal had been in the hospital, Dr. Watson had recommended a therapist that specialized in post-traumatic stress. Dr. Watson had given her a general overview of Neal's situation and although Dr. Regan had attempted to speak with Neal on several occasions she had been shut down immediately by the traumatized young man. Neal had been quite adamant in his refusal to see a therapist.

Peter sat down with his cup of coffee and called Dr. Regan's office. He was able to speak directly with the doctor and was pleased that she remembered Neal and would be willing to take him on as a patient. They spoke for a bit about Neal's background and the circumstances of his captivity. Peter had a good feeling that Dr. Regan would be able to help Neal through his trauma. Luckily, Dr. Regan had a last minute cancellation and would be able to see Neal a little later in the afternoon.

About an hour late, Peter heard Neal moving around upstairs. Peter went up to check on him and when he opened Neal's door Peter found him packing.

Getting over his shock quickly, Peter said, "Good morning Neal. What's going on here?"

Neal turned to face Peter, a look of guilt on his face. "Agreeing to stay last night was a mistake. I shouldn't be here." Neal said as he continued to pack. "I need to leave."

"What's this really about Neal?" Peter asked gently. "I know you're probably feeling anxious about therapy but you made the right decision."

"Yes, you did Neal." Elizabeth said as she stood beside her husband. "And Peter and I will be with you every step of the way."

He looked at the hopeful faces of Peter and El and didn't want to disappoint them. Neal felt lost. On the one hand, deep down he knew therapy was the right choice but on the other hand he couldn't bear to relive his ordeal to a perfect stranger.

"Alright, I'll go to therapy." Neal said.

A look of relief crossed both El and Peter's faces. Peter smiled and said, "It'll be fine Neal. The first step is always the hardest but you won't be alone."

WCWCWC

"It's going to be fine Neal. Dr. Regan only wants to help." Peter could see the anxiety reflected in Neal's eyes as they stood outside the waiting room.

Just then the office door opened and Dr. Regan came out to greet her new patient. She was an older lady with light blond hair and kind eyes. "Hello Neal, hello Peter," she said.

Immediately she could sense the tension and anxiety emanating from the young man. He unconsciously moved closer to Peter who put a reassuring hand on his shoulder. "Hi Dr. Regan. Nice to see you and thank you for fitting Neal into your schedule."

"Not a problem," Dr. Regan replied.

Meanwhile, Neal had not said a word and continued to stay by Peter's side with his eyes downcast.

"C'mon Neal, why don't we go into my office." Neal's head snapped up and his eyes grew wide with apprehension.

"It'll be fine Neal. Peter will be right outside."

"Go on Neal. I promise I'll be right here." Peter reassured.

Neal reluctantly followed Dr. Regan into her office. He felt a little dizzy and lightheaded. His heart felt like it was going to burst out of his chest.

"Please sit down Neal." As Neal sat, Dr. Regan couldn't help but notice how pale Neal had become. She knew he was headed for a panic attack.

"Would you like a glass of water?" Neal nodded.

As Neal took the glass of water, there was a slight tremor in his hands that also didn't go unnoticed by Dr. Regan. He drank greedily as his throat was so dry.

"Slow down Neal. Take a deep breath. In and out. In and out," she coached.

After a couple of minutes of following Dr. Regan's instructions, he was finally able to calm down a bit. His heartrate slowed down and his breathing wasn't as laboured.

"Good job Neal. Are you feeling a bit better?" Dr. Regan asked.

"I think there's something wrong with me." Neal said dejectedly.

"Why do you say that Neal?" the therapist prodded.

"Shouldn't I be over this by now? I was rescued and everything should be okay, but it's not!"

"There's no timetable or schedule for when you should feel okay. Everyone heals at their own pace. You probably don't believe me but I know that you will be okay. I'm here to help you through this process and I know that you have friends and family that are supporting you through this. Starting with Peter."

"Peter's been great. But I don't want to be a burden to him. He shouldn't have to take care of me."

Neal stayed quiet for a bit and Dr. Regan remained silent waiting for Neal to collect his thoughts and continue.

"Sometimes I feel like I'm losing my mind."

"Having post traumatic stress doesn't mean you're losing your mind. It's your mind's way of coping with the chain of unspeakable events that happened to you."

"Bad things happen to good people Neal and I'm sorry this happened to you."

"But, I'm not a good person," Neal whispered so quietly she almost didn't hear him. "I'm a criminal. I hurt people."

"Neal, please look at me," she said gently. Neal reluctantly met her eyes.

"You did some bad things but that doesn't make you a bad person."

"But Sir said…" Neal trailed off and looked down quickly.

"He was a sick, evil man. He took great pleasure in hurting you. You can't believe the things he said. He only said them to hurt you. I know it's hard for you to believe but with time and therapy you will get past this and get your life back."

"That just doesn't seem possible. I'll never be who I was before…everything. I'm damaged goods…not worth it." Neal sighed and put his hands through his hair. He was tired…so tired of getting up every morning and fighting to get through the day.

She could see the defeat reflected in Neal's eyes. It wasn't uncommon for a person who suffered great trauma to experience depression and she wanted to get ahead of it for Neal.

"Neal, I'd like for you to consider taking a mild anti-depressant."

Neal's head snapped up. "No, no drugs. I'm not taking anything. You can't make me." Neal started to become agitated.

"It's okay Neal. I'm not forcing you to do anything. I just think that the medication would be a help to you. We'll leave it for now and can revisit your decision in the future. Now our time is up for today. I want you to try some of those relaxation techniques we discussed and think about what we talked about. I'll see you next time Neal. Can you please send Peter in."

Neal nodded and walked out to the waiting room. Peter jumped up as soon as he saw Neal.

"How'd it go Bud?", he asked.

"Alright", Neal mumbled, his eyes downcast.

"I'll just go speak to the doctor and we can get out of here." Neal didn't respond as he took a seat in the waiting room.

With a final glance at Neal, Peter went to meet with the doctor.

Ordinarily, therapy sessions were confidential but Neal had given permission for the doctor to discuss his sessions with Peter.

"Hey Doc, how'd it go with Neal?"

"He's still struggling with feelings of worthlessness. Those weeks in captivity and the brainwashing he was exposed to really did a number on his self-esteem and his sense of self-worth. I suggested he take a mild anti-depressant but he was quite adamant in his refusal."

"What can I do to help Neal?" Peter asked.

"The more you can get him to share his experience in captivity the more it will help break the power that Sir had over him. Although it's going to be very difficult to relive I truly believe this will be healing for Neal."

Peter nodded in agreement. "I've tried to talk to him about his captivity but he just shuts down. I'm not sure what to do anymore."

The therapist thought for a moment. "I read in Neal's file that he's a gifted artist. Perhaps he could use his art as an outlet for his pain. Even if Neal isn't comfortable expressing himself verbally, his art could be a good way for him to feel some semblance of normalcy."

WCWCWC

Peter hoped he was doing right by Neal. All he wanted to do was help his friend heal from the horrific ordeal he had gone through. He took the therapist's advice and a couple of days later stopped off at Neal's apartment to pick up some of his art supplies. Neal was staying with Peter for the foreseeable future and he wanted to make sure that he had some of the comforts of home. Peter agreed with the therapist and thought it was a good idea for Neal to start drawing again.

Peter walked through the door and found Neal sitting on the couch. The TV was turned on but Neal wasn't watching. Peter would catch Neal just gazing blankly ahead. He had learned the hard way that getting Neal's attention was a delicate exercise, if Neal's reaction after being discharged was any indication.

"Hey Neal. I'm back." Peter crouched in front Neal so that he was in Neal's line of sight and spoke softly. He didn't touch him and waited until Neal made eye contact with him. "I got something for you."

Neal seemed to snap out of his reverie and looked at Peter. Peter handed him a bag filled with his art supplies. There was a sketch pad, some pencils, charcoal and paint.

"Dr. Regan thought it might do you some good to start drawing again." What do you say, wanna give it a try?"

"What should I draw?" Neal asked hesitantly.

"Anything you want buddy." Peter replied.

For the first time in a long while, Peter saw a spark of life in Neal's eyes.

WCWCWC

Over the next few days, Neal carried his sketch pad with him everywhere. He would draw whenever he would feel overwhelmed. His sketches were dark; they were from the time of his captivity. Sir's eyes, the tank, the things he saw when he was hallucinating. Peter had asked to see his sketches but he couldn't show Peter. He didn't want him to know the dark thoughts he had and all the horrible things he had experienced.

He did bring his sketches to his therapy sessions with Dr. Regan. They were able to look at the drawings and Neal was able to talk about some parts of his ordeal. By talking about his experiences, it took away some of the power Sir had over him. Neal was opening up and started to slowly believe that therapy was helping him to heal. He would never be the same person he was before the kidnapping but he was learning to accept this new reality. This new Neal was able to better cope with the emotions that still at times would catch him by surprise.

Something clicked with Neal and he wanted to believe that he could heal from this. He didn't want his experience with Sir to define who he was. He was finally ready to reclaim his life and let go of the horrors that had ruled his life for so long.


	15. Chapter 15

The next few weeks went well for Neal. There were still ups and downs but he was going to therapy regularly and seemed to be doing better. He was drawing again and was becoming less withdrawn. His appetite was improving and he was finally able to really enjoy the meals that Elizabeth prepared.

The nightmares would still come but they were less frequent. And when he did wake up from one, Neal was able to calm and center himself much more quickly than before. Peter noticed the difference in Neal and was so proud of his progress. Things were finally looking up and he couldn't be happier.

WCWCWCWC

"I'm angry," Neal declared.

"Who are you angry with Neal?" the therapist asked.

"I don't know. Myself, for not being able to get over this. With Sir, for everything he did to me."

"What about Peter?"

"What about Peter?" Neal asked in confusion.

"Are you angry with Peter?" the therapist prodded.

"No, what….no, I'm not angry with Peter!" Neal denied vehemently.

" _Was he angry with Peter?" Neal thought to himself._ The more he pondered the therapist's question, the more confused he got. It didn't make sense for him to be angry with Peter. What happened with Sir wasn't Peter's fault.

Dr. Regan interrupted Neal's thoughts. "I'd like to call Peter into this session if it's okay with you?" she asked.

"Umm, sure," Neal replied. He was still trying to process the therapist's question about Peter.

A minute late, Peter and the therapist walked back into the room.

Dr. Regan started to speak. "Neal was telling me he was angry with himself and with Sir. I then asked if he was angry with you Peter."

Peter looked at Neal with surprise and a little hurt in his eyes. "Neal, is there something that you would like to tell me?" he asked.

Neal took a deep breath and tried to gather his thoughts.

"I was ready to finally stop running. I was at peace with whatever outcome the commutation board had in store for me. Regardless of their decision I was going to get off the elevator on the 21st floor Monday morning and do my job."

"But then you gave me the signal to run. _"Jesus Christ," I thought to myself. "If Peter wants me to run then what Kramer had in mind for me must have been pretty bad."_

Neal laughed without humour. "Jokes on me, huh? Even when I decide to do the right thing, a madman kidnaps and tortures me."

"Neal, I …." Peter started but the therapist intervened.

"Peter, let Neal speak. You'll get your chance after he's finished."

"Those first few days with Sir I tried fighting back. I was scared but I knew I was strong and could beat him at his game. After all, I'm a world class conman. How hard could it be?" A look of bitterness crossed Neal's face. "Little did I know what Sir had planned for me. The gas, the drugs, the lack of food really did a number on me."

Neal continued on. "Day by day. Piece by piece, Sir broke me. Each day I lost a little bit more of myself."

"The hallucinations were so real. The things that Sir said to me were so real. It became harder and harder for me to separate reality from the hallucinations."

Peter listened to Neal's account with a heavy heart. Although he had seen what Neal had gone through, it was the first time that Neal was talking about it.

As Neal began to open up about his ordeal, flashbacks and memories of his time with Sir started to bombard him.

 _The tazer crackled with electricity and Neal flinched at the sound. Neal held his hands up in a futile attempt to protect himself. He was no match for Sir. The electric current coursed through his body and he couldn't hold back the blood curdling scream._

Neal started to shake at the memories. "But even with all that was being done to me, I still had that glimmer of hope that you would find me Peter. It was the only thing I could hold onto, to get through one more day."

"Each day I would think _'today's the day', Peter's going to find me._ And each day when you didn't come I died a little more inside."

Tears streamed down Neal's face. The look of utter despair and hopelessness reflected in Neal's eyes as he relived those moments tore at Peter's heart.

 _His insides felt like they were on fire. The "meal" Sir made him eat made Neal feel sicker than he had ever felt. Tears streamed down his face as he wished for the agony to end._

"Why didn't you find me Peter?" Neal cried in anguish. "You're always supposed to find me! I needed you and you weren't there!"

 _The sound of the hissing gas made Neal shudder in fear. He knew what was coming and couldn't hold back the sob. Where was Peter?!_

 _Fire coursed through his veins as another syringe was plunged into him. His brain felt sluggish and he wanted more than anything to give up. But he couldn't, he wouldn't….Peter was going to find him. Peter always found him. Why didn't Peter find him this time?_

Neal hid his face in his hands and started to sob. "Why didn't you find me? Why?"

Peter looked at the therapist who gave him a slight nod towards Neal.

"Neal…." Peter started.

"Why didn't you find me?" Neal continued to repeat.

Peter moved close to Neal and embraced the young man who continued to sob uncontrollably. "I'm so sorry Neal," he whispered. "I'm so sorry I didn't find you sooner."

WCWCWCWC

The session with the therapist had drained both men. The car ride home was quiet and as soon as Peter stopped the car, Neal immediately jumped out, walked into the house and went straight to his room.

Peter walked inside and El was there to immediately greet him. "How did everything go? I saw Neal and he didn't say a word and went right up to him room."

"It was a rough session El. Neal was finally able to open up and release some of his feelings. It was hard on him. He just needs some time alone to process everything that happened today."

"Why don't you go upstairs and lie down for a bit." El said. "Dinner won't be ready for awhile yet."

"Sounds good hon." Peter gave El a kiss and went upstairs to his room. He stopped in front of Neal's door and instead of knocking he turned away and went into his own room.

Meanwhile, Neal was on his bed when he heard Peter stop in front of his door. He held his breath as he really did not feel like talking. The session with the therapist was tough and he just needed time to sort out the jumbled thoughts in his head. When he heard Peter walk away, he let out the breath he had been holding.

WCWCWCWC

Peter woke up slowly and stretched. He looked over and realized he had been asleep for a couple of hours. He got up and went to find Neal. His bedroom door was open and he wasn't in there. Peter went downstairs and didn't see him in the living room or kitchen. There was a note on the kitchen counter from El. She had gone to the store and would be back soon.

Peter opened the backdoor to find Neal sitting outside, Satchmo by his feet. When the door opened Satchmo got up and slowly trotted inside. Neal didn't seem to notice. He was just sitting there quietly.

Ever since being released from the hospital and living at Peter's house, Neal had gotten into the habit of sitting out in the Burke's backyard. There were times when Neal felt so claustrophobic inside that his heart would star pounding and it would feel like the walls were closing in around him. He would practically bolt out the door trying to get away. Being outside seemed to help. He could look up into the sky and the feeling of being trapped would start to dissipate and he could breathe again.

"Hey Neal. Why don't you come inside."

"Just a bit longer Peter." Neal continued to stare up into the sky.

"When I was "away" I never thought I would see the sky again. Day in and day out all I saw were concrete walls. I really thought I was going to die not seeing the sky again."

"Look Peter. About what I said in therapy today…." Neal began awkwardly.

"We don't have to talk about it Neal," Peter said hesitantly.

"Please, let me finish," Neal said.

Peter nodded and Neal continued. He looked into Peter's eyes and said, "I don't blame you and I'm not angry with you for not finding me. I know rationally it wasn't your fault. You had no idea I had been kidnapped. But, I was so desperate and the hope of you finding me was the only thing that kept me going. And when you didn't find me, I lost hope and gave in to despair."

Peter took a deep breath and blew it out. "If I would have known you had been held captive, I would have moved heaven and earth to find you. Never in my wildest imagination did I think you were being abused and tortured. I wouldn't have stopped until you were home safe and sound."

The sincerity and conviction of Peter's words touched Neal's heart. Both men's eyes were bright with unshed tears.

"Look at us Peter, going all 'emo' on each other," Neal joked shyly.

"Well, I'm not ready to let go of this 'emo' moment so you'll just have to indulge me," Peter said as Neal rolled his eyes in mock annoyance.

"In all seriousness, you have nothing to be ashamed of. You went through an awful ordeal and you've made it to the other side. You're stronger than you give yourself credit for Neal and I don't ever want you to forget that. What happened to you doesn't define who you are. You're a survivor and I'm so proud of you."

Neal was overcome with emotion as the tears fell freely from his eyes. "Thank you Peter. For everything. For sticking by me. For never giving up on me. I know I haven't made things easy…." Neal said as he wiped the tears from his face.

"You don't have to thank me. I would do anything for you," Peter said fiercely.

"I know that Peter." Neal replied with a soft smile. Neal felt stronger than he had since this whole ordeal began. For the first time in a long time he felt like he was going to get through this.

"I'm going to be okay, Peter," Neal said softly, echoing the words his friend had said to him when this whole nightmare had begun.

"Yes, you are," Peter agreed.

Neal knew there was still a long road to his recovery but he also knew that he didn't have to walk it alone. He had friends and family that loved him and would continue to support his journey to healing.

Both men sat outside, looking up at the night sky, with a sense of peace that they both hadn't felt in a long time.


	16. Epilogue

"Why are you being so stubborn?"

"I'm not being stubborn. I think I'm being quite reasonable!"

"You're not ready Neal."

"Yes, I am Peter!"

Both men were staring stonily at each other, refusing to budge. That's how Elizabeth found them when she walked in through the front door.

"You're impossible.."

"No, you're impossible…"

"Boys, boys…to your neutral corners. What's going on here?" Elizabeth asked.

"Neal is being…"

"Peter is being…"

"Stop, timeout!" Elizabeth said.

Neal stalked out through the backdoor while Peter sat heavily down on the dining room chair. He ran his hands down his face and let out a loud sigh.

"Okay, hon. What's going on?" she asked.

"Neal wants to move out, go back to June's." Peter said.

"Alright and I take it you have a problem with that?" she asked.

"He's not ready El." Peter said. "He's made great strides but he's not ready."

"Sweetie, do you think you're being a tad overprotective? Neal's a grown man capable of making his own decisions. If he says he's ready shouldn't you try and be supportive?" Elizabeth reasoned.

Peter let out another sigh. Deep down he knew he was being a bit irrational. Okay, who was he kidding he was being totally irrational.

"I'm going to get dinner started. Why don't you go talk to Neal? Let him tell you why he wants to move back to June's." Elizabeth said.

Peter knew Elizabeth was right. He should let Neal tell him why he was ready to move out. As Elizabeth started dinner preparations in the kitchen he went out to the back patio to talk to Neal.

Peter found Neal gently rocking, the movement barely perceptible. Neal had made great strides in the 3 months since he started therapy. He was finally able to let go of some of what he went through during his time in captivity. The rocking had almost completely gone away but during times of stress it came back although Peter didn't think Neal even realized he was doing it.

"Hey Neal. We need to talk." Peter said. "I'm sorry for overreacting and not hearing you out."

Neal looked at Peter as he sat down across from him. "I'm sorry too. I know my announcing that I was moving back to June's was unexpected and caught you by surprise. But I'm ready Peter," Neal insisted.

"It's not that I don't believe you. I just think you need a little bit more time."

Neal let out a frustrated breath. "You'll never think that I'm ready Peter. You'll always think I ' _need a little bit more time'._ You've gotta let me go sometime. I finally got my life back and I want to start living it."

Peter could see that Neal was right. He _was_ ready but Peter's overprotective streak was clouding his judgement. "That's what I want more than anything and if you think you're ready to go back to June's then I support you 100%."

The look of relief and happiness in Neal's eyes made Peter realize that he had made the right decision. Neal jumped up enthusiastically. "My bags are packed and I can…."

"Whoa there buddy. Hold your horses," Peter interrupted. Neal stopped midsentence.

"El's almost got dinner ready. We're going to sit down for a nice meal and then we're going to have a relaxing evening and I'll take you back to June's in the morning. Deal?"

"Deal!" Neal said.

"El made those little chickens that you like," Peter teased as he ushered Neal through the door.

Neal rolled his eyes in mock annoyance. "They're called Cornish game hens Peter," Neal said sarcastically.

"I don't care what you call them. I call them delicious," Peter joked.

Neal groaned at his friend's lame attempts at humour.

"Everything okay boys?" El asked in amusement as they came through the door joking and laughing.

"Everything's fine hon," Peter said as he met Neal's eyes.

"Yep, everything's fine," Neal agreed as he smiled at Peter.

They spent a nice evening enjoying each other's company and finally around 11pm they all decided to turn in.

"Good night Neal. I'll see you in the morning."

"Night Peter," Neal said as he went into his room and shut the door.

He sat on his bed and took a deep breath. If he was honest with himself he was a bit nervous about leaving. Not that he didn't think he was ready but the Burke's home represented safety and security; something that he needed so badly after his ordeal with Sir.

But he had worked hard in therapy and knew in his heart it was time for him to take his life back. And the first step was to move back to his place. Secure in his decision, Neal climbed into bed and was asleep in minutes.

WCWCWC

The following morning all three had a leisurely breakfast before El had to rush off to a morning meeting. Prior to leaving El gave Neal a big hug and whispered in his ear, "I'm proud of you sweetie. You know you're welcome here anytime."

"I know, thank you for everything." Neal said sincerely as El gave him one last squeeze and hurried out the door.

"Ready to hit the road Neal?" Peter asked.

"Yeah Peter. I'll meet you in the car." Neal needed a minute to collect his thoughts.

"Take all the time you need."

Neal looked around the Burke's living room. He had walked into this house all those months ago a different man. He was so broken and traumatized he didn't think it was possible to recover. Now, he was walking out of this house feeling better than he had in a long time.

He grabbed his bags and walked out the door, ready to start his life again.

The car ride to June's was pretty uneventful. Peter and Neal made idle chit chat as Peter navigated the Taurus to Riverside Drive.

When Peter pulled up to June's mansion he turned the ignition off and faced Neal.

"Well, here we are." Peter said.

When Neal made no move to get out of the car, Peter grew a bit concerned.

"You don't have to do this if you're not ready. We can turn the car around and go back to my place." Peter said.

"No, it's not that. I'm ready." Neal said with conviction as he unbuckled his seat belt and got out of the car.

"Alright then, let's get you upstairs and settled in." Peter replied with a smile.

The house was quiet as Neal and Peter entered. June was away but she gotten the staff to stock Neal's fridge with everything he would need.

As Neal walked up the stairs to his apartment his mind couldn't help but think back to that fateful day all those months ago. The last time he had been here he was ready to run to a new life. Instead he had almost lost his life thanks to Sir and his evil plans for him.

Shaking those thoughts away, Neal opened the door and walked in. He set his bags down by the bed and looked around. Everything looked the same which was oddly comforting.

Peter cleared his throat uncomfortably. He didn't want to do this but he didn't have a choice. "Neal, it's time." Neal turned to look at Peter and nodded. He knew this would happen and was okay with it. Neal walked over to his dining room table and placed his left leg on the chair while Peter fastened the anklet with a small click.

Now that Neal was no longer staying at the Burke's the ankle monitor had to go back on until the board scheduled another hearing. Neal's old deal had been reinstated. He was a ward of the state released into the custody of Agent Burke with a 2 mile radius.

Neal saw the look on Peter's face. "It's alright Peter. It's oddly comforting to have things go back to the way they were…before everything" Neal said as he adjusted his pant leg over the bulky monitor.

Peter gave Neal a slight smile. "Well, I'll get out of here and let you get settled."

Neal went over to his bags and started unpacking. Peter stood awkwardly knowing he should leave but couldn't bring himself to.

"Do you have everything Neal? Peter asked "because if you forgot anything I could…"

"Peter I'm good. I have everything I need. Now go on, get out of here", Neal said as he ushered Peter out the door.

"I'm going, I'm going," Peter said his hands up in mock surrender. As he was about to walk out the door, he turned to face Neal and pulled him into a fierce hug. Not expecting it, Neal stiffened for a fraction of a second before relaxing and hugging Peter back.

"Neal, I'm so proud of you." Peter said softly, his voice choked with emotion. "You've overcome so much to get your life back. Don't ever forget that you're a survivor."

Not trusting his voice, Neal nodded against Peter's shoulder. Both men pulled away and cleared their throats awkwardly.

"Alright, time for me to go. You can call me anytime Neal. Day or night." Peter said as he walked out the door.

"I know Peter. Thank you for everything." Neal replied as he gave Peter a smile.

Neal shut the door and was truly alone for the first time since he was rescued. It was a strange but not unwelcome feeling. Neal continued to unpack and before he knew it, it was lunch time. Neal went to the fridge and found it stocked with prepared meals that would keep him well fed for the next 2 weeks. He chose a hearty chicken stew and was in the process of reheating it when his door opened and Mozzie waltzed in unannounced. Neal smiled as he was glad that some things never changed.

"Welcome home mon frere," the bespectacled man said by way of greeting. "What's for lunch…but more importantly what's to drink?"

"Thanks Moz, you're just in time for lunch." Neal said as he ladled 2 bowls of stew and placed it on the table. Moz chose a nice wince to go with it and both men sat down and started to dig in.

"I've missed this," Moz said as he took a sip of wine.

"I'm beginning to question what you missed more, me or my wine," Neal joked.

"Well, I will admit I missed one more than the other and I'll leave it up to you to figure out which," Moz said as he brought his glass up to toast.

"To good wine and great friends."

"Cheers, Moz," Neal said with a smile.

WCWCWC

Later that evening as Peter and Elizabeth sat down to dinner, she couldn't help but notice how quiet her husband was.

"How did everything go with Neal today?" she asked.

"It went fine." Peter replied still lost in his own thoughts.

"Hey hon. Neal's going to be fine," El reassured. "You've got to stop worrying. He knows that he can call us anytime."

"You're right. He's made great progress in therapy and I know he's ready. But El, I felt like a parent dropping their kid off at summer camp for the first time. I was proud of him and nervous at the same time."

El laughed at her husband's analogy. "Oh sweetie, you're just a big ol' softie," El teased. "He'll call if he needs us."

The rest of the night went by quietly. There were no phone calls from Neal and when bedtime rolled around Peter almost picked up the phone twice to call Neal. But each time Elizabeth's voice echoed in his head _"he'll call if he needs us."_

Suddenly the phone rang. "Neal, is everything alright?" Peter immediately asked.

"Well, hello to you too Peter," Neal chuckled on the other end.

"What's wrong?" Peter asked again.

"Nothing's wrong. Everything's fine Peter. I'm fine. I just wanted to call and say goodnight," Neal replied.

"Oh, okay." Peter let out the breath he was holding. "How was your first day back at home?"

"It was good. Moz came over, we hung out. It was just like old times."

"I'll bet." Peter said sarcastically while Neal gave a small laugh. "Goodnight….and Neal…."

"Goodnight Peter and yes I'll call if I need anything." Neal responded as he ended the call.

WCWCWC

The next couple of weeks went by pretty uneventfully for Neal as he continued with therapy and got reacquainted with the city. Peter and El had come by for dinner and he had gone over to their place. However, by the start of the 3rd week, Neal was getting a little stir crazy.

He was meeting Peter for lunch and decided to broach the subject of him coming back to work.

After sitting down and ordering, Neal decided to take the plunge. It was now or never.

"Peter, you know I've been going to therapy regularly and Dr. Regan thinks I'm ready to go back to work."

Peter was about to interrupt but Neal held up his hand to stop him. "Peter, please hear me out," Neal asked. Peter nodded and Neal continued, "I've talked to Dr. Regan and she thinks it'll be good for me to have a regular routine again. I feel strong and I need to reclaim all parts of my life and that includes coming back to work with you."

Neal said his piece and waited expectantly for Peter's response. Peter could hear the determination in Neal's voice and he knew that his young friend had worked and continued to work extremely hard to heal from his ordeal with Sir.

Peter didn't want Neal to push himself too hard but he could see that he was ready. That Neal needed this as proof that he had completely reclaimed his life back. "Okay, Neal. I'll talk to Hughes but you'll be on desk duty for the first little bit."

Neal smiled and his whole face lit up. Peter hadn't seen Neal smile like that in such a long time that he was glad he was partly responsible for it. "Thanks Peter. I'm ready." Neal said with conviction.

WCWCWC

It took a week for the authorization to be processed and finally Monday morning came and Neal was ready to return to work. Peter wanted to pick Neal up but he declined. Neal wanted to come in on his own. He needed the time to reflect on how much his life had changed in the past year. From the hope he had on the day of the commutation hearing, to the fear he had felt when in captivity to the despair and hopelessness that engulfed him months after his rescue.

As he walked into the FBI building and rode the elevator to the 21st floor, he let all of those feelings wash over him. He took a deep breath and felt a calm and sense of peace he hadn't felt in a long time. He was finally back and as he pushed the door open and met Peter's eyes across the bullpen he couldn't help the smile that came across his face.

FIN

 **Well, folks, that's a wrap on my first White Collar and multi-chapter fanfic! I can't believe I was actually able to complete it. Thank you to everyone who reviewed, favourited and followed. There may be a sequel in the works because Sir is still out there….so stay tuned. Meanwhile, I have a couple of short one-shots that I will be posting soon. Thanks again to everyone who took the time to read this story.**


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